Everyone's Not Dead It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead
by Winnebagels
Summary: This is a fanfiction of Rage, the gang, and an alien invasion. It's my first time writing anything substantial, so here goes. Rated M for language and violence.
1. Chapter 1

Everybody's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter One – Blood Brothers

***Hollow and Rage are sitting atop a poorly made discount futon in Hollow's apartment in Leeds, England***

Rage – So now we're finally blood brothers

Hollow – What are you doing in my house? Why is my hand bleeding?

Rage – Oh come on man don't give me that. We're best friends.

Hollow – What does that have to do with any of this?

Rage – Don't question it.

Hollow – You're an asshole Josh.

Rage – Ouch man, words hurt you know.

Hollow – Words hurt? You broke into my house while I was sleeping, drugged me, and then cut my hand open. That's what fucking hurts here.

Rage – Does that soon-to-be-infected gash mean nothing to you? Being somebody's blood brother used to matter to people. Blood brothers used to stick together through thick and thin. Blood brothers used to be brothers made from blood and stuff and fuck you man.

Hollow – No fuck you! We're not fucking blood brothers! You don't even have a cut.

Rage – Well yeah, knives make me squeamish. God I thought that a blood brother would know that about his own blood brother. Great fucking blood brother you are. I knew I should've picked Evanz.

Hollow – Fuck it, I'm making a tea. Do you want anything before the police show up?

Rage – No I'm good. I've just had a bag of crisps.

Hollow – Suit yourself then. Hey that was my bag of crisps!

Rage – Wait you're calling the police on me? Duuuuude, that's not cool.

***The television flashes red with the words "emergency broadcast" scrolling across the top and bottom of the screen***

Juke – This just in, we are getting widespread reports of unidentified flying objects blacking out the skies above London. These objects appear to be of extraterrestrial origin. You are advised to stay in your homes until further notice. To prevent widespread panic and looting we leave you now with these pictures of lolzcats on a continuous loop. God save the Queen.

Rage – How long has Juke been a news anchor?

Hollow – Aliens, real honest to God aliens.

Rage – I mean he's got those silky tones, I just never expected anything to come from it.

Hollow – Aliens. From Outer Space. Here to kill us and take over.

Rage – Good for him then. I always thought he'd be a boxer what with those legendary fire punches of his. Amirite Hollow?

Hollow – How is this even happening?

Rage – Hollow come on man. Get my reference. It was funny.

***A flash of light streaks across the window***

Hollow – We should go now Josh.

Rage – Go where? TV Announcer Juke told us to stay inside and watch lolzcats.

Hollow – Look Josh, inside isn't safe anymore. I saw an explosion outside. We should try to go somewhere more secure. Maybe we could meet up with Fluke in London. It doesn't really matter. The point is that we have to get out of here. Now.

Rage – Yes kitty Daniel Day-Lewis. You can haz a Oscar. You iz so cute kitty Daniel Day-Lewis. Yes you are. Yes you arrrrre.

Hollow – Fuck it.

***Hollow slings Rage over his back and walks toward the door****.***

Rage – Stop it Hollow you're getting blood on my favorite RageGaming t-shirt.

***Another flash of light hits the roof of Hollow's apartment, caving it in****.***

Rage – It's the one that has "RageGaming" written across the front of it.

***Hollow takes the stairs two at a time, frantically approaching the door of his apartment building.***

Rage – You know the least you could do is apologize. It's like I'm talking to myself up here.

***Hollow roughly tosses Rage off of his back and underneath a nearby car just as another flash of light engulfs the apartment building behind them in flames.***

Rage – Oww. You fucking douche.

***Hollow crawls under the car and punches Rage in the shoulder.***

Hollow – Don't ever call me that again you cunt. Now where do we know that's safe?

Rage – Jesus you're emotional.

Hollow – Look I told you before not to ever call me douche. It, it hurts me. You know, on the insides.

Rage – Well you hurt me you prick. You know, on the outsides.

Hollow – Oh shut it you big baby.

Rage – I think my shoulder is broken.

***A flash of light vaporizes the 1993 Honda Civic parked in front of Hollow and Rage***

Hollow – Right so we need to move again. I can see an open cellar about six blocks away. If we run I think we can make it.

Rage – Do we really have to run? I've already been outside today. That's a lot for me. Besides I'm pretty sure we're fine here.

Hollow – Are you fucking retarded? Did you not just see that car in front of us explode?

Rage – C'mon man that was a Honda, everybody knows that Hondas are shit. The same thing would've happened if it had been hit by a light breeze.

Hollow – Are you being serious right now? You're a dingus man, a fucking dingus.

Rage – Am not.

Hollow – Are too.

Rage – Dee two.

Hollow – That was so bad.

Rage – You're so bad.

Hollow – I'm surprised, that actually resembled a comeback.

Rage – You're a comeback.

Hollow – Aaaand it's gone.

***Loud metallic clanking can be heard coming from behind Hollow and Rage. It is accompanied by the rattle of a mounted machine gun.***

Hollow – Shit no more horsing around. Get up and run with me or I'll break your other shoulder. This could be our last chance.

Rage – Zigging and a zagging?

Hollow – Hooting and a hollering.

Rage – Lets do this.

***Hollow and Rage roll out from underneath the vehicle and start screaming at the top of their lungs. Hollow follows a straight line, using the buildings as cover. Rage runs in circles like a headless chicken. Rage beats Hollow to the cellar door by a good minute and a half**.*

Hollow – What're we gonna do now Josh? You have any ideas on how we're supposed to get past that "thing" up there?

Rage – Hollow how many times do I have to tell you this? Call me Rage when we're in public.

Hollow – Dammit Josh this is real life not some stupid YouTube video!

Rage – Quiet down man. What if a Ragican heard you?

Hollow – Grow up man. Besides there's no one here but us two.

Guy Mansley – Hello? Is anyone there? Can you help? Please I need help.

Rage – See Hollow? What did I tell you?

Hollow – Yes mate we're down here in the shaft! Come quick!

Rage – Hehe shaft.

Guy Mansley – Thank you! How many of you are there?

Hollow – There's just the two of us, me and my friend Josh.

Rage – Holllllowwwwww

Guy Mansley – Oh thank God! Ill be right there just give me one-

***Explosion*** ***Cry of pain*** ***Silence***

Hollow – Fuck he's dead. He's really dead.

Rage – And my secret identity dies with him.

Hollow – That alien fucker's gonna pay for that.

***Hollow scans the room for anything useful. He finds a tank of gas, silly putty, a tire iron, and a single length of rope.***

Hollow – I've got an idea.

Rage – Alright but I'm keeping the silly putty.

***Hollow opens the cellar door and sneaks back along the line of buildings, swinging a lasso above his head.***

Rage – BE CAREFUL HOLLOW! THERE'S A MECH RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! YOU SHOULD TRY TO SNEAK UP ON IT SO YOU DON'T DIE!

***The alien mech rotates and locks on to Hollow.***

Hollow – Shit.

***Hollow throws the tire iron at the face of the mech and ducks behind the cover of an overturned police cruiser.***

Hollow – I swear if I ever get out of this I am going to find him, and I am going to kill him.

***The mech's mounted machine gun whirs in anticipation.***

Rage – AHHH ZABENYAAA

***Rage crashes into the back of the alien mech with a red and black 2013 Lotus Elise.***

Hollow – Where'd this come from?

Rage – YouTube gave it to me for 250k subscribers man. They've got to take care of the talent.

Hollow – Why didn't you mention this before you sent me out here to lasso an alien mech with machine guns for arms?

Rage – You seemed pissy. Besides that silly putty was fucking entertaining.

Hollow – Christ on a Bicycle. I really need a tea after all this.

Rage – Jesus man you have a problem, after all this settles down we're staging an intervention.

Hollow – To London?

Rage – To London.

***Rage pushes the play button on his dashboard, causing "You've been watching RageGaming…" to boom out of the car speakers. Hollow and Rage drive into the sunset, the burning ash that once was Leeds lying securely in their rearview mirror.***


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter Two – Sunday Drive

***Hollow and Rage are speeding down the M1 on their way to the city and the safety of London***

Hollow – Hey Josh can you put on something else?

Rage – What was that? You said that you want me to turn the music louder?

Hollow – It's just; well we've been listening to your outro for going on an hour now and it's getting repetitive is all.

Rage – Look Hollow, when you save my life with a 2013 Lotus Elise you can pick the music. Besides what would we listen to? Your outro? That shit sandwich hardly even mentions me.

Hollow – My outro's an instrumental.

Rage – Exactly. And it doesn't even have a bitching electric guitar riff. If you're going to be fighting for your life against evil alien overlords you're going to want a bitching electric guitar riff playing in the background.

Hollow – No I meant that it couldn't mention you at all. There are no words.

Rage – Are you trying to say that I embarrass you?

Hollow – Yes Josh that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

Rage - …

Hollow – Can we at least turn on the radio? They might have something important. Maybe something on how we're supposed to handle the aliens that just tried to kill us.

Rage - …

Hollow – I'm trying to be proactive here. We don't have food. We don't have water. We don't have weapons. All we have is a direction.

Rage - …

Hollow – If we're going to have any hope of surviving this we're going to need as much help as we can get.

Rage - …

Hollow – Josh I know you're there. I can see you.

Rage - …no you can't…

Hollow – You really are this retarded aren't you?

Rage - …

***Three figures stand ahead of them in the middle of the highway.***

Hollow – Josh look out!

***Rage turns to face Hollow.***

Rage - …

***Hollow grabs the steering wheel out of Rage's hands and swerves off of the road, hitting a tree.***

Rage – You fucking faggot. You broke my dream car.

Hollow – Don't say that word. Only people who make vlogs to gay people can say that word.

Rage – Faggot faggot faggot faggot faggotty faggot you are a faggot for hammering us into a tree. The only faggot tree in the whole faggot highway for faggot fucking miles.

Hollow – There were people on the road. You would've killed them.

Rage – You dipshit. You've always got to play the hero the hero don't you?

Hollow – And you've always got to play the asshole don't you?

Peace – Hey! Is everybody ok down there? Anybody hurt?

Rage – No everything isn't ok! Everything's shit! My dreams are lying in a heap on the side of the road.

Hollow – Peace? No shit is that you?

Peace – Hollow? Fred! Fred come quick it's Hollow! Oh and Rage is here too I guess. But mostly Hollow!

Rage – I worked my ass off to get to 250K subscribers. And now it's just gone.

Fred – Hollow! Hey buddy what's up?

Hollow – Fred! Oh you know not much just saving Josh's ass like I always do.

Rage – My home. My car. It's all gone.

Hollow – Hey Josh Fred and Peace are here. Say hi.

Rage – Fuck you man I was having a moment.

Peace – More like a gayment.

Henry – Haha good one Peace.

Peace – Thanks Harry. I've been working on that one.

Henry – Haha it shows Peace it shows. Gayment. Rage. Perfect burn.

Rage – That was not a perfect burn.

Henry – Shut up Rage. You don't know Peace like I know Peace. No one knows Peace like I know Peace.

Rage – That's a little creepy.

Henry – It's called commitment. It's called loyalty. I picked Peace to win it all on day one of the tournament. Me. Not you. Me. Mine.

Hollow – Hey Peace who's the new guy?

Peace – Hank? He's just some guy who flew Fred and me out here to congratulate me on my win in the worms tournament.

Hollow – And you didn't find that just a little bit odd?

***Henry sniffs Peace's hair***

Peace – Who Haley? Na he's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. Isn't that right Fred?

Fred – What? Oh yeah sure man. We have fun.

Henry – Only I have fun. He's mine. I'm his best friend. Not you. I hate you. We hate you.

***Henry barks like a dog at Fred.***

Hollow – okayyyyyy

Henry – Peace is the best worms player to ever play worms. He is a god. And Zaheen. Zaheen he is the devil.

Rage – There is no god.

Hollow – Calm down Josh.

Rage – Right so where are we staying? Now that you four wrecked my beautiful beautiful Lotus I need a place to lie down and another place to email YouTube about what their return policy is on subscriber rewards.

Peace – We've been staying at Hamish's place since I won the tournament. We could go there. There's a spare bed or two. Hector just sleeps in a chair in the corner of my room anyways

Hollow – Oh come on! How is that not blatantly disturbing to you?

Peace – Oh I don't know, maybe because I'm good to my fans. Unlike some people I know.

Rage – You tell him Peace. God Hollow you are so bad to your fans.

Hollow – He was talking about you dingus.

Rage – Was not!

Hollow – Was too!

Fred – Maybe if we start walking they'll follow us.

Peace – Good idea Fred

Henry – It was my plan! I came up with the plan! Not him! Good idea Henry!

***Fred, Peace and Henry start walking toward the faltering light of Nottingham. Rage and Hollow follow behind them. Every now and then Hollow punches Rage in the shoulder. Rage tries to punch Hollow in the face, but cannot jump that high.***


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 3 – Nottingham

***Hollow, Rage, Peace, Fred, and Henry walk into Nottingham, only to find it overrun by alien soldiers and battle mechs. They stick to the shadows and sneak into the nearest unlocked building. A voice calls out to them from the darkness.***

Larry – Who's there? Don't try looting. My gun is cocked and ready to blow at any second.

Rage – Hehe that's what he said.

Hollow – Well of course that's what he said dingus. We all just heard him say it.

Rage – No I meant it like a sex thing.

Hollow – Oh

Rage – Yeah

Hollow – It wasn't really funny.

Rage – Fuck you man at least I'm trying to lighten the mood.

Hollow – I don't think we need to lighten the mood, I think we need to stop running in and out of dangerous situations.

Rage – I'm Hollow. I'm always serious. I don't laugh at funny things. I only speak in monotone.

Larry – I don't know what's going on here but if you lot could leave my house now so I don't have to shoot you, that'd be splendid.

Hollow – One second buddy. Shut up Josh. I'm calming. I can show emotion if I want to.

Larry – You have three seconds to get out of my house.

Rage – Yeah you have great range, the range of serious "I'm playing Dota" voice to slightly more serious "I'm failing at Dota" voice.

Larry – 3

Hollow – You're an asshole.

Larry – 2

Rage – An asshole with pitch and tone.

Larry – 1

Evanz – Rage! Hollow! Its ok Larry you can put the gun down, I know these guys. Jesus am I happy to see you two! It's me Evanz! Peace! Fred! Random new guy! You're here too!

***Larry begrudgingly puts the rifle down on the kitchen table and heads back into the living room.***

Henry – It's Henry. My name is Henry.

Hollow – Evanz! What are you doing here man? You don't live in Nottingham. Do you?

Peace – Really? I could've sworn it was Harry.

Rage – He lives in Wales.

Henry – It can be Harry if you want it to be Harry. Do you want it to be Harry?

Hollow – No he used to live in Wales. Now he lives, somewhere else.

Peace – I don't really care one way or the other.

Rage – Really? Where do you go to get your sheep fix man? God the cold sweats must be unbearable.

Henry – Oh ok.

Evanz – Fuck you too Rage. No Hollow I don't live in Nottingham. And no Rage I don't diddle sheep.

Peace – Good talk though.

Rage – The first step to curing your addiction is to admit that you have a problem.

Henry – Yeah! Good talk Henry!

Hollow – Hahaha I am so sorry Evanz.

Fred – What's going on?

Evanz – Yeah I can tell.

Henry – Nothing! Nothing and no one!

Hollow – So you still didn't answer me. What are you doing in Nottingham?

Evanz – Well you know my Ni No Kuni Let's Play?

Hollow – Yeah…yeah totally. I love that one so sooo much. It's uh really really great. Right Josh? Isn't it just the best?

Rage – What's the best? Game Of Thrones? Yeah it's amazing. But I'm done with the spoilers I promise. Just don't hit me again. It stings.

Hollow – No I meant Evanz's Ninny Kunny Let's Play. You know that one that we watch all the time?

Rage – Oh, oh yeah. That Nine Counties thing is my shit.

Evanz – You don't watch my videos do you?

Hollow – No.

Rage – I didn't even know you were on YouTube.

Evanz – I hate all of you.

Rage – You're a you.

Hollow – So wait, what's your Dragon's Dogma Let's Play got to do with you being in Nottingham?

Evanz – It's not my Dragon's Dogma – Never mind it's not worth explaining. Well basically it got to the point where only two or three people were watching per video so I decided it'd be easier to just go to their houses and play through the rest of it with them, one-on-one.

Hollow – Wait what?

Evanz – That way I can upload more Skate 3 content.

Rage – Seems like a lot of work to me. You should've just left them there with the lingering half promise that you'll get around to it again once everything settles down.

Hollow – Am I seriously the only one who has a healthy relationship with their fan base?

***Henry rubs his hands across Peace's face.***

Peace – I don't know what you're on about.

***Rage puts the plush doll of him in his minecraft skin back into his shirt pocket.***

Rage – Look it helps me sleep at night ok? Get off my back!

Fred – I don't have any fans.

Hollow – Disgusting, the lot of you. So Evanz you really mean to tell me that you're just sitting here in the middle of an alien apocalypse giving a personalized play through of a game to a complete stranger?

Evanz – Well sometimes I get on #livingchat too.

Peace – They're still on?

Evanz – Oh you know that lot. It's going to take more than an alien invasion to kill chat.

Peace – Apparently.

Hollow – Can you at least leave? We're making our way to London.

Fred – What's a living chat?

Evanz – Yeah we're just on the last level. It'd go a lot faster but I only play in twenty-minute bursts out of habit. One more night oughta do it. Depending on if I get the last ten wand upgrades or not.

Peace – It's a stream thing. You wouldn't understand.

Hollow – Fine. We'll stay the night here. Does your sub at least have any food?

Henry – I understand! Henry understands!

Evanz – Yeah almost all of my subs are closet hoarders. So there's loads. Feel free to help yourselves.

Fred – Good for you Henry.

Hollow - Fantastic! Does he have any Early Grey? Or does he just have chamomile?

Henry – I wasn't talking to you Peace stealer!

Evanz – Oh sorry Hollow, Larry doesn't have any tea. He's allergic.

Hollow – Allergic? What to tea? No way in Hell. That cheap lying bastard.

Rage – Actually Hollow it's totally possible to be allergic to tea. Trust me, I went to uni.

Hollow – Take your uni and shove it up your ass.

Rage – Woah Hollow you ok there man?

Hollow – No I'm not ok. I haven't had tea since we went to get breakfast. After you woke up. At 4 in the afternoon.

Rage – No I woke up at 3. I just didn't get out of bed until 4.

Evanz – Hahah oh my God Rage you're so lazy.

Rage – Hey I need sleep if I'm going to keep this face absolutely flawless.

Peace – Right well good luck with that.

Rage – Shut up man.

Henry – No you shut up. I'll cut you.

Evanz – Cool it guys. Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere.

Rage – No you know what, I'm getting tired of him and his incessant fanboying. Bring it you creep.

Peace – You're only mad because he's not fanboying over you.

Rage – So what? I'm still tired of it.

***Rage and Henry pick up knives from the kitchen counter and begin to circle each other.***

Larry – HEY EVANZ! CAN YOU COME BACK HERE?

***Rage lunges at Henry.***

Evanz – YEAH LARRY I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. Hollow you're in charge.

***Henry blocks the advance and side swipes Rage's legs.***

Hollow – No. Tea.

***Rage trips up and starts to fall.***

Evanz – What's the problem Larry?

***Rage flails wildly and catches the nape of Henry's shirt, pulling it down as he goes.***

Larry – I'm just confused is all. Why are we fighting Esther? I thought she was one of the good guys.

***Henry slams his head against the kitchen counter.***

Evanz – Well it's late game so a lot of the twists and turns are finally coming to light. For instance, it's revealed that Mr. Drippy was brokenhearted for the whole game and the only reason we didn't notice it was because of his incredibly debilitating speech impediment. That's why almost all of the advice he ever gave us was completely worthless. Also Swaine is The White Witch's soul mate. That's why nobody ever gets her jokes. It makes perfect sense really.

***Henry rolls off of the kitchen counter and falls into a heap on the ground, his nose broken and his face bloodied.***

Larry – yeah ok but that still doesn't tell me why we're beating up Esther. Is she working for Shadar or something?

***Rage pins Henry to the linoleum floor.***

Evanz – Oh no it's nothing that forgivable. She likes Philip. That guy's a complete douche.

***Rage drives his knee into Henry's ribcage.***

Larry – But she's never said anything good about Philip.

***Henry punches Rage as hard as he can in the testicles.***

Evanz – And she's never said anything bad about him either. Once you get done teaching her a lesson try casting gateway. If you're ever stuck in a boss battle, just cast gateway and it'll work itself out.

***Rage slides to the side, squeaking in anguish.***

Larry – Wow! That worked like a charm! A permanent increase of 5,000 more manna for all teammates! Good call Evanz! You have definitely just earned yourself a rating of "pretty ok, lolz" for this play through.

***Henry leans over Rage, holding his knife at Rage's throat.***

Evanz – Score!

***Henry looks up at Peace, awaiting gladiatorial verdict.***

Peace – meh

Rage – Dude!

***Henry smiles from ear to bloody ear.***

Rage – Hollow! Hollow handle it! Quick!

Hollow - …allergic to tea…bollox…that man's a detriment to society…

Rage – Holllowwww!

***A flash of light rocks the building and knocks the sense back into Hollow.***

Hollow – Shit they must be bombing again. Henry get off of the man baby. Everybody out of the house. We're on the move. Evanz? Larry? You coming with?

Evanz – Sure! We're going to see Fluke right?

Hollow – …yeah. And running for our lives.

Evanz – Sounds like fun! Larry you coming?

Larry – Na I think I'm just gonna stay here and finish the game.

***Another flash of light burns a hole through the ceiling.***

Evanz – Can't say that I blame you. It's a pretty great story arc. Just remember to press attack some of the times and press defend some of the other times.

***The fire that started on the kitchen floor quickly spreads to the living room curtains.***

Larry – Look at you with all the insider strategies. You know if I had to pick one word to describe you, it'd be "professional". And if I had to pick a second word to describe you it'd be "hair". But the third word I'd pick would definitely be "loyal".

***The living room curtains are ablaze and fall onto the couch where Larry is sitting.***

Evanz – Well you know, you subs mean a lot to me.

***Evanz closes and locks the door behind him.***

Hollow – Alright where to?

Evanz – Well I already borrowed Larry's keys so I'm sure he won't mind if we borrow his car too.

Hollow – Great!

Rage – And I borrowed his gun. Quick, guess who I am.

***Rage spin jumps in the air screaming "360 no scope" until he hits the ground with his face.***

Hollow – An asshole?

Evanz – A virgin?

Peace – A maniac?

Henry – Haha good one Peace.

Fred – A big stupid jerkface?

Rage – Close. I was a COD player.

Hollow – Good for you.

Peace – You come up with that all by yourself?

Evanz – What's wrong with COD players?

Fred – Hey guys?

Peace – Not now Fred we're making fun of Rage.

Henry – And you smell bad. Not like vanilla. Peace smells like vanilla. Not you!

Fred – No offense but this is a little more urgent.

***A squadron of alien foot soldiers stands in front of them. Eyeing them wearily.***

Hollow – Quick Josh throw me the rifle. I can lay down a suppressing fire until we can move back behind this building.

Rage – Fuck you man get your own.

Peace – That doesn't even sound like you Hollow.

Hollow – I'm Batman.

Evanz – Batman doesn't use guns.

Hollow – I'm Batman who uses guns.

Henry – I'll do it. I'll take them on.

Rage – Yeah let Henry do it.

Peace – No Humphrey! It's too dangerous.

Rage – You've got to cut the cord some day Peace. Let baby birdy fly. Far away from me. Forever. Hurry before he changes his mind.

Henry – You're my hero Peace. Never forget me.

***Henry wipes the blood from his mouth and twirls both kitchen knives in his hands. He hums "How Could This Happen To Me" as he charges full tilt at the alien soldiers.***

Hollow – Shit son. That's intense.

Fred – I think he's tearing that guy's jugular out with that other guy's teeth.

Evanz – Oh God why is pissing on them a valid battle tactic?

Peace – I didn't even know bone broke that way.

Rage – psshaw I took out a battle mech yesterday. A whole battle mech. You guys really should've seen it when I took out that battle mech.

Evanz – Jesus that is not where hands go. THAT IS NOT WHERE HANDS GO!

Hollow – Should we, should we go? I mean I don't want to be an asshole about it but that kid scares me.

Peace – You've got a point there. Alright. BYE CHARLIE! THANKS FOR SAVING US AND JUNK! YOU'RE A GREAT FAN! DON'T WORRY I'LL CALL YOU! So where's that car of yours Evanz?

Evanz – It's just around the back. Oh God oh God I can see the heart still beating in his hands. I think I'm going to be sick.

***Rage, Hollow, Evanz, Fred, and Peace walk around the raging inferno of Larry's apartment to the garage. Evanz gets to his knees and loses his lunch in the rose bushes.***

Rage – Shit is that a Citreon? I don't wanna get in a Citreon.

Hollow – And why not?

Rage – It's a French car. It'll surrender halfway there.

Hollow – You're such an asshole Josh.

Rage – C'mon everyone's dying of laughter in their minds right now.

Peace – Ha. Ha. Ha.

***Evanz wipes the sick off of his face.***

Evanz – Shotgun. Dibs. Called it.

Hollow – Ok but I'm driving.

Peace – You drive like an old lady. I'd get there way faster.

Hollow – Well I guess it's too bad you didn't call driving then isn't it Peace?

Rage – You both drive like week old bear shit. Be a good boy Evanz and hand the keys to papa Rage.

Fred – I call not the trunk.

***Evanz gives the key over to Hollow with one hand and flips off Rage with the other.***

Hollow – Thanks Evanz.

Fred – Seriously guys I'm not spending another road trip in the trunk.

Rage – Real mature Evanz.

Evanz – Haha you're welcome.

Fred – It always smells like death and onions in the trunk

Rage – Can I at least pick the music?

Hollow – NO!

Rage – You never let me do anything fun.

Fred – Guys?

***Hollow, Evanz, Rage, Peace, and Fred pile into the Citreon DS. Rage volunteers Fred to ride in the trunk so that there's more room for the rifle. Hollow pulls out of the garage to the sounds of a now distant war cry and the whir of a battle mech's mounted machine gun.***


	4. Chapter 4

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 4 – The Church

***The Citreon DS rolls to a stop outside of a small town near Daventry, England.***

Hollow – YOU MADE ME HIT A CHILD!

Rage – Oh calm your tits Carmichael. You barely bumped him.

Hollow – BARELY BUMPED HIM? HE'S LYING FACE DOWN IN A DITCH!

Rage – Is he? Wow that's pretty carazy.

Evanz – Haha Rage that was so bad.

Hollow – DAMMIT JOSH THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR PUNS!

Rage – It's never not the time for puns.

Peace – Everybody cool your shit. Some of us are trying to sleep.

Rage – Sorry Peace. Hollow's upset because he tried to kill some kid.

Hollow – LIKE HELL I DID! I LOST CONTROL AFTER YOU SMACKED ME IN THE FACE WITH A RIFLE FOR BEATING YOU AT I-SPY!

Rage – Oh that's right Hollow. It's always somebody else's fault isn't it?

Hollow – ONLY WHEN IT IS!

Peace – Look I don't really care what happened just please don't shout directly into my ear.

Rage – Yeah man you should really…ease off the throttle.

Hollow – YOU SCUMBAG!

Peace – Seriously Hollow inside voices.

Rage – I'm a bag of scum am I?

Hollow – YES!

Rage – Oh. Alright then glad we got that sorted.

Evanz – Just throwing it out there but has anybody checked on the guy becoming one with the side of the road yet?

Rage – It's ok Evanz. Wheel get to him in a second.

Evanz – These keep getting worse and worse don't they?

Hollow – Fuck, yeah the kid. HEY KID ARE YOU OK?

***Hollow runs out of the car to kneel beside a small boy wearing a red RageGaming t-shirt lying in a roadside creek. Rage follows closely behind, telling Hollow that he really auto know better than to hit children.***

Rage – Shit it's a fan. HEY. HEY YOU. I'M SO SORRY HOLLOW HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A CAR. IT'S ME: YOUR GODKING RAGE. IF YOUR LEGS AREN'T TOO BROKEN FEEL FREE TO BOW DOWN AT MY FEET.

Hollow – You're a monster.

Rage – Shhhh Hollow someone's looking at me.

***The small boy crawls out of the creek, rapidly looks back and forth between the faces of Rage and Hollow and begins to jump up and down and giggle in excitement.***

Will – Rage! OMG I'm you're biggest fan! Wow THE RageGaming just found me and tried to kill me. I'm going to be the coolest kid in my whole primary school. Me and my friends watch all of your videos. We really think you should do more fart jokes. That'd be really funny. You're really funny.

Rage – Hey, it's always a pleasure to…creek a fan.

Will – Hahaha that's really funny. Get it? Because you ran me over so hard I landed in a creek. You're really funny.

Hollow – I'm sure that's just the head wound talking.

Rage – Shut up Hollow. He's allowed to think I'm funny without being mentally damaged in some way.

Hollow – Yeah you're right, he doesn't have to be. It just helps.

Rage – …

Will – Be careful Hollow or you'll make him road rage. Get it? Because he's Rage and he's standing on a road.

Rage – Hahaha I like this kid. I'm gonna start using that one.

Hollow – Oh God please no.

***Rage and Will high five.***

Evanz – Hey guys are we going to be here a while? Should I let Fred out of the trunk?

Peace – No he's probably used to it by now. Let him have his fun.

Will – Evanz! Evanz hey Evanz baaaaaa baaaaaa you're a sheep Evanz baaaaaa.

Evanz – Oh please don't say we hit a Ragican. God why am I so unlucky?

Will – Baaaaaa.

Rage – Oh quit your whining welshie. I think he's hilarious. What's your name kid?

Will – Will.

Evanz – Hey wait I'm Will.

Will – No Evanz. Will is a people name. You're a sheep so you can't have it. Baaaaaa.

Rage – Hahahah

Evanz – Seriously?

***Rage and Will high five again.***

Evanz – Well screw you guys. I'm going back to the car.

Hollow – Yeah that sounds like a great idea. I'll join you.

Rage – Wait guys come back we'll stop I promise. Look let's just find a place to stay the night ok. It's getting late.

Hollow – Do we really have to stay the night? We're so close to London.

Rage – Look man you just vehicularly assaulted a little boy. And more than that you vehicularly assaulted a little boy who watches my YouTube videos. Give him some time to rest up.

Evanz – Ok but I don't care how hard Hollow hit him; if he tries to shear me he's on his own again.

Will - Baaaaaaa

Hollow – Alright fine we'll stay here. PEACE GET OUT OF THE CAR, WE'RE STAYING THE NIGHT.

Peace – I'm starting to think you're yelling at me on purpose.

***Peace opens the trunk of the Citreon DS. The pungent smell of death and onions slaps Peace about the back of the head.***

Peace –Fred quit your laying about we're staying the night in Daventry.

Fred – Air air I need air!

Peace – Woah there calm down Fred. No need to be dramatic. I'm sure Daventry isn't that bad. Besides you're the one who smells like a dead ogre.

Fred – Not me. Trunk. All trunks.

Peace – Look Fred we don't have time for your antics. And honestly if you were going to complain this much about being in the trunk I don't know why you insisted on being back there anyways.

Fred – But I didn't…

Peace – C'mon we're already behind.

***Peace and Fred find the others in the town square. Will is running around Evanz in circles begging him to say "alright rage" and start a rap battle. Evanz is actively avoiding eye contact. Hollow and Rage stand on a fountain, arguing with themselves.***

Hollow – Look there's a big building over there. It looks pretty sturdy. We can stay the night there.

Rage – I don't wanna.

Hollow – Why the fuck not?

Rage – It's a church.

Hollow – Oh my shit do not start this.

Rage – Look I'm sure we'll find someplace else just as suitable.

Hollow – We're in the middle of nowhere, during a fucking alien invasion, and you don't want to stay in the only place that looks sturdy because it's a fucking church?

Rage – Look you don't hafta be a douche about this.

Hollow – I swear to God I will kill you.

Rage – What God?

Will – Ooooo burn.

Hollow – You guys are fucking idiots.

***Rage and Will chest bump.***

Evanz – C'mon Rage don't do this.

Rage – Don't do what? Stick to my guns? I'm not going in there.

Peace – Look it's just a building.

Rage – A building that doesn't make any sense.

Evanz – What?

Rage – If it's so holy where are all the holes?

Hollow – Same joke. Every. Fucking. Time.

Rage – Well yeah because it's funny.

Will – Hahaha oh I get it. Do you guys get it? I get it. It's really funny

Fred – Hey wait does anyone else hear that?

***An otherworldly shrieking tears through the sky***

Rage – OH GOD WHAT WAS THAT?

Hollow – I don't know nancy boy but we need to get into that church. And now.

***The line of trees behind the car are uprooted and thrown into the unforgiving heavens. A flash of lightning streaks across the sky. It is beginning to rain.***

Rage – WHY DOES EVERYTHING HATE ME?

***Fred, Peace, Will, Evanz and Hollow run toward the open church doors. Rage quickly waddles behind them.***

Will – Hahaha he's making a scared Rage face.

Fred – Is Rage ok?

Evanz – Yeah he's fine; he's just absolute shit when it comes to horror. Mechs and aliens are one thing but 9 times out of 10 monsters leave him in tears.

Rage – Am not. I'm just acting scared. You know, so Will won't feel so bad about peeing his pants.

Will – I didn't pee my pants.

Peace – Rage did you pee your pants?

Rage – No.

Evanz – Well what's that smell then?

Rage – I spilled asparagus juice ok?

Hollow – That's disgusting.

Will – Hahahah it's always really funny when he's scared.

Fred – So uh guys, how are we going to get back to the car?

Hollow – I'll make a run for it.

Evanz – I don't know man. That thing's massive.

Peace – Yeah you'd need two maybe even three banana clusters just to have a chance. Unless we're near water. You could probably find a baseball bat and beat it into water.

Fred – No the last water we saw was a good five minutes back. No way does Hollow have that type of power. Even if he has been putting on a few pounds recently.

Evanz – See? It sounds like a suicide mission.

Hollow – Not for Antium and his bastard gun.

Evanz – Ok first off it's Artyom…

Hollow – Same difference.

Evanz - …and second off you just took the hunting rifle from earlier and wrote bastard on it with magic marker.

Hollow – Well do you have any better ideas?

Peace – Do we have any money? We could buy a teleshield.

Fred – That wouldn't be enough to save all of us.

Peace – Yeah but it'd be enough to save me. Peace worms are valuable.

Will – Can we call it a faggot? I say we call it a faggot.

Rage – Just let Hollow handle it. If he thinks there's a chance we can come out on top of this thing I say we take it. I really want that thing to stop making those noises. You know, for Will.

Will – I'm fine.

Rage – It's ok buddy, uncle Rage has you covered.

***The Creature smashes against the wall, toppling the church organ in cacophonic percussion.***

Rage – AEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY

***Rage cowers behind Will, using him as a human shield.***

Hollow – He's right; we don't have much of a choice anymore.

Evanz – Just don't do anything stupid.

Hollow – Trust me.

***Hollow grabs the hunting rifle, cycles through his accents until he reaches "sorta Russian if you're fairly hard of hearing" and walks out the double doors of the sanctuary to face the fuel for his darkest nightmares.***

Hollow – HEY BEAUTIFUL! COME GIVE US A KISS!

***Hollow blasts his first round into the back of the alien beast.***

Hollow – PREPARE TO GET FUCKED YOU UGLY BITCH!

***The brute launches itself at Hollow. The ground gives way in its wake. Hollow reloads and fires again at the beast. This time into it's face.***

Hollow – WHOOOOOO!

***The hell hound reaches Hollow and claws across his chest, catapulting him into the cold stone wall of the church building.***

Hollow – AHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA

***Hollow lifts himself back to his feet using the rifle as leverage. The hulking monster stands over him, a mix of blood and saliva drips from it's open mouth.***

Hollow – YOU KNOW WHAT BUDDY? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU STARING ME IN THE FUCKING FACE. THIS PERSONAL SPACE THING…YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. SO IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU!

***Hollow spins his bastard gun around and smashes it into the demon spawns face. It falls to the ground as Hollow beats its head deeper and deeper into the concrete. He punctuates each blow with a blood curdling scream.***

Hollow – CHRIST. ON. A. BICYCLE. YOU. MOTHERFUCKER.

Peace – Jesus Hollow where did that come from?

Fred – Yeah man I thought you were exaggerating at first about needing that tea fix, but damn.

Hollow – Antium don't take shit from nobody.

Evanz – It's uh, it's still Artyom.

Will – That was so fucking cool! You did it man! You really did it! It was simple right? Tell me it was simple.

Hollow – Yeah kid why not. It was simple.

Will – Hahahah get it? It's a reference.

***Will walks over to high five Rage who is lying in a corner in the fetal position. Will slaps at one of Rage's clenched fists and returns to the group.***

Will – Rage thinks it was cool too.

Hollow – Haha good to know kid.

Peace – Shit Hollow you're bleeding.

***Hollow puts a hand to his chest and brings it back wet and coated in a dark red.***

Hollow – What? Yeah I guess I am.

***Hollow falls face first into the ground.***


	5. Chapter 5

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 5 – The Hospital

***Hollow lays sprawled out across a hospital gurney. His chest is wrapped tightly in wool linens. The gurney is rushing down a dark hallway as the only working ceiling light flickers above it***

Rage – Dammit Evanz! I thought you said the pharmacy was just around this corner!

Will – Yeah Evanz! Dammit Evanz!

Evanz – I didn't say that. I said "Look there's a hallway".

Rage – We don't need hallways Evanz! We need medicine! Hollow's dying of infection and you're just going around shoving your nose into useless fucking hallways!

Will – Don't need Evanz! Useless Evanz! Die Evanz!

Evanz – Woah what was that last one? Did you just say "Die Evanz"?

Rage – Don't make this about Will! He's not the one slowly killing Hollow with his horrible life decisions.

Will – Baaaaa you're a sheep

Evanz – Fuck you Rage. You know you could try to be less dramatic.

Rage – Less dramatic? Are you saying that breaking into an abandoned hospital is dramatic? Are you saying that stealing a full set of doctor scrubs is dramatic? Are you saying that smacking Peace repeatedly in the face with my new stethoscope is dramatic?

Evanz – Yes.

Rage – Well don't say that ok? I'm a doctor now.

Will – Doctor Evanz!

Evanz – It takes more than wearing some scrubs to be a doctor.

Rage – A completely calm and rational doctor.

***The double doors behind Evanz swing open to an elegantly disheveled Peace holding a bloody rag to his nose and an out of breath Fred hobbling behind him.***

Peace – HEY DIPSHIT! WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

Rage – YOU'RE THE DIPSHIT! DIPSHIT!

Peace – OH NICE COMEBACK DIPSHIT!

Fred – Peace calm down. The pressure is obviously getting to Rage. I'm sure he didn't mean to hit you in the nose with medical equipment those half dozen times. We all need to take a step back here. Maybe we should get a better understanding of our new environment.

Peace – SHUT IT FRED! THE ADULTS ARE TALKING!

Rage – YEAH FRED! LISTEN TO YOUR LYING BITCH OF A MASTER!

Will – Hehe you called him a bitch.

Peace – I'M A BITCH? WHO'S THE BITCH WHO'S PLAYING DOCTOR WITH ANOTHER DUDE?

Evanz – I know you're trying to help Fred. But seriously you should stop talking. You're just so very bad at ideas.

Will – Hehe you said Rage was gay.

Rage – EAT SHIT PEACE!

Fred – Sor-sorry.

Peace – BRING IT YOU FOUR EYED SONOFABITCH!

***Hollow lifts his head off of the hospital gurney, props himself up on his elbows, and tries to speak.***

Hollow – Huh

Evanz – Guys?

***Rage rushes at Peace swinging a stethoscope around his head.***

Hollow – Huhhh

Evanz – Hey guys quit it.

***Peace steps to the side, grabs Rage by the stethoscope, and yanks him to the floor.***

Hollow – Huhhhhh

Evanz – YOU FUCKING FUCKERS! CUT THE SHIT!

Peace – WHAT THE FUCK IS SO IMPORTANT?

Evanz – Hollow's up.

***Peace stops kicking Rage in the stomach and helps him up off the ground.***

Rage – And let that be a lesson to you.

Hollow – Huhhhhhhhh

Peace – Yeah. Sure.

Rage – Hollow you ok man?

Evanz – He just keeps making that noise over and over.

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Peace – What do you think it means?

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Evanz – I don't know it could be anything.

Hollow - Huhhhhhhh

Will – Oh I know. It's like one of Rage's intros. HEHHHHH.

Hollow – Huhhhhhh

Rage – No it's not.

Will – HEHHHHHH

Evanz – Haha oh my god it totally is. Heahhhhh

Hollow – Huhhhhhhh

Will - HEHHHHHHH

***Rage slaps Hollow as hard as he can across the face.***

Hollow – Oww. Fuck.

Rage – Oh thank god you're ok.

Hollow – What was that for?

Rage – What was what for?

Hollow – You just slapped me.

Rage – No I didn't. You're probably still delirious from the blood loss.

Will – HEHHHHHH

***Rage kicks Will's legs out from under him.***

Evanz – How are you feeling man?

Hollow – Pretty ok. My head feels like it's about to explode. Guess that bitch packed more of a punch then I gave it credit for.

Peace – No that was from the ride over here. It was really bumpy.

Hollow – Oh.

Peace – Yeah.

Hollow – So if it was bumpy then the rest of you have headaches too?

Peace – Not exactly. We sorta just tied you to the roof and drove. We were going to put you in the trunk but Fred gets kind of territorial.

Fred – I do not.

Peace – Shut the fuck up Fred.

Hollow – Well it makes sense I guess. You did what you had to do to get me medicine.

Peace – Actually Evanz had about a pound and a half of penicillin but Rage stole it from him thinking it was meth.

Hollow – Evanz why would you have that much of anything on you? Josh did what now?

Evanz – Well yeah when you're sick as much as I am you always have a bit in reserve.

Rage – Look he had pills. I wanted pills. Things happened. Besides imagine how much faster I could have gotten you medicine after I had my meth boost. Like super fast.

Hollow – You're an asshole Josh.

Rage – That's "you're an asshole Doctor Josh."

***Rage points to the stethoscope still wrapped tightly around his neck.***

Hollow – Really?

Evanz – Yeah don't try arguing with him. He doesn't listen.

Rage – Sir Mister Doctor Professor Josh.

Hollow – So does anyone have any ideas on what to do from here?

Will – We should go back to that alien thing Hollow killed and be all "Bitch please, welcome to earf motherfucker." And then high five a lot.

Rage – I say we find the pharmacy. Evanz's batch just doesn't have that kick to it that I'm used to.

Evanz – It wasn't drugs. I don't carry a pound and a half of meth on my person.

Fred – I've been told not to talk.

Rage – Bu bu bu, who's the doctor here?

Peace – Dammit Fred don't you ever listen?

Fred – Sorry Peace.

Evanz – I say we all take a step back here and try to get a feel for our new surroundings.

Hollow – Good plan Evanz. Let's do that.

Fred – That was my –

Peace – Look Fred it's not all about you ok?

Hollow – Alright me, Will, and Rage will keep heading down this hallway. Evanz, Peace, and Fred you try and find that pharmacy.

Rage – Score!

***Hollow, Will and Rage keep heading down the hallway. Will rolls across, using the gurney as a makeshift scooter. They find a dark room with a vending machine. Will immediately goes to the vending machine and starts kicking it.***

Rage – So you're really ok then?

Hollow – Yeah man definitely. 5 out of 10. I've had closer calls.

Will – Gimme Rolos you stupid robot!

Rage – Haha you arrogant prick.

Hollow – Haha I try.

Rage – Nothing scares you does it?

Will – Please give me some. Im sorry for calling you stupid.

Hollow – Well no, everything scares me. But if I hide my head in the sand then I'm no good to anyone and I'll probably still end up in the hospital.

Rage – Yeah I guess so. You know what Hollow?

Hollow – What Josh?

Will – Fine be that way you dumb machine. I didn't want them anyways. Dickhole licker.

Rage – I'm glad we're blood brothers.

Hollow – Me too Josh, me too.

Will – GAYYYYYYYYY

***Evanz, Fred, and Peace burst in through the unlocked door.***

Evanz – Hey Hollow we've got to get out of here.

Hollow – What do you mean?

Evanz – This place was abandoned for a reason. The aliens moved in and set up a makeshift base. The whole thing is crawling with them.

Peace – Yeah Fred and I spotted at least two patrols. It's a miracle that they haven't found us already.

Rage – Well shit what do we do now? We can't leave because they'll find us and we can't stay here because my highs fading quickly.

Evanz – I'm telling you Rage. That was penicillin.

Rage – Look I don't need to know the street name for it I'm just saying you should ask for a refund. It's pretty much shit.

Hollow – I've got an idea.

Rage – Oh no Hollow. Not going to happen. No more battle royales.

Hollow – Well what's your great idea then Doctor Josh?

***Hollow, Rage, Will, Peace, Fred, and Evanz crawl through a utility ventilation shaft.***

Rage – Fuck it's so cramped up here.

Hollow – Shut up you man baby we're almost out. I think.

Peace – You think?

Rage – Yeah why is the only one of us with a head wound the one that's leading the group?

Hollow – Because you leading the group is what got us into this shit tube in the first place.

Evanz – He's got a point Hollow, maybe I should go ahead for a while and try to find the exit.

Rage – Yeah Hollow. God why are you so bad at leading?

Hollow – Fair enough Evanz. Shut the fuck up Josh.

Evanz – Alright be right there.

***Evanz makes his way to the front of the crawling conga line.***

Fred – Hey

Evanz – Sorry

Peace – Watch it

Evanz – Sorry

Will – Damn I didn't know sheep were so heavy.

Evanz – Not sorry.

Rage – Hahaha ow.

Evanz – My bad.

Hollow – Alright you go on ahead and we'll follow along after. Shit that stings. The fuck man, are those cleats?

Evanz – Yeah sorry. My grandma gave them to me for 20K subscribers.

Rage – Always going on and on about your youtube channel. Don't you know that nobody cares?

Evanz – Fuck off.

Rage – Seriously, get a life like the rest of us.

***Rage gently strokes the plush doll of his minecraft skin.***

Evanz – See you guys in a bit then.

Hollow – Bye. Good luck.

***Evanz disappears down the left side of the ventilation shaft. Hollow leads the slow moving group in a steady amble after him.***

Hollow – Fred, Peace we've got to get out of here eventually, can you hurry it up please?

Peace – Yeah Hollow Ill be right there, it's just, do you see that horrible turret placement? Hardly any control of that area.

Hollow – Yeah cool whatever it's not important. Just keep moving.

Peace – I think Fred can get that crate down there.

Fred – What? I'm getting a crate?

Hollow – No we're leaving.

Peace – Oh definitely there's no way it'll notice you in time.

Hollow – Now! We're leaving now!

Fred – You think?

Peace – Come on Fred. Make me proud.

Fred – Alright here goes.

Hollow – God dammit.

Peace – You got this buddy.

Hollow – We are in imminent danger. There are things down there that want to kill us. What part of that is so hard for you people?

Rage – What do you mean you people?

Peace – Look Fred has some skills and if he says that he can do this then I believe him.

Rage – C'mon Hollow. Finish the reference.

Hollow – He didn't even say he could do this. You said it for him.

Rage – It's "what do YOU mean you people?".

Peace – Look it's the same difference. God Hollow you really need to lighten up. Why are you always so serious?

Rage – From Tropic Thunder. Did nobody else get that?

Hollow – I'm serious because this is life and death right now. This isn't some game; this is reality. And in reality when people start shooting you're supposed to be fucking serious. Besides what's ten coins going to buy him anyways huh? A water pistol? Like that five drown damage is really going to hold off an alien invasion.

Will – Hahahah I got it Rage. I got the reference.

Peace – Well at least he's trying something instead of just bitch caving next to a girder.

***Rage and Will high five.***

Hollow – I'm not bitching. I'm just digging my way through to the other side.

Peace – Oh yeah, and Rage doesn't look like a paedophile in those glasses.

Rage – Hey!

***Turret fire***

Peace – What was that?

***Peace looks down to see a bloody Fred struggling to tie a twine rope around an oversized packing crate.***

Peace – NOOOO!

***Peace double jumps into the hole and activates his jetpack. He grabs at the packing crate while taking a buffalo strapped with explosives out of his pocket and throwing it toward the turret. The overly confused land mammal gores Peace and explodes, bursting a nearby water pipe and flooding the area.***

Rage – Hey look Hollow it's Aqua Buffalo. "My people need me!"

Hollow – Sweet titty fucking Christ what the fuck just happened?

Rage – Hey Hollow what do we know about Aqua Buffalo?

Hollow – What the fuck Josh those are our friends down there. And they're dead. Fred and Peace are dead!

Will – He's got an AB on his chest!

Rage – This guy. This guy knows what's up.

***Rage and Will fist bump, making explosion sounds as they pull their hands away. Hollow slams his face into his palms.***

Hollow – I need some tea soon or I'm going to crack.

Rage – What's this about crack?

***Evanz crawls back to see a visibly shaken Hollow with his head in his hands and an overly upset Rage grabbing after Hollow yelling "don't you hide it from me dammit".***

Evanz – Hey I think I found the exit. Wait what happened here?

Rage – Fred and Peace killed themselves over a packing crate. And now Hollow won't share any of his stash.

Hollow – I said I was going to crack, not that I had crack.

Rage – Don't try lying to a doctor, it's impossible.

Evanz – What!? Fred and Peace are dead?

Will – Yeah now they can RIP in Peace if you know what I mean.

Hollow – You're worse than Rage.

Rage – Hahaha this kid just keeps them coming doesn't he?

***Rage and Will try to chest bump but Rage gets stuck in the quickly filling death hole.***

Rage – Help!

Evanz – Should we?

Hollow – Na just leave them, they'll catch up.

***Evanz, Hollow, Rage and Will climb out of the ventilation shaft and unto the parking deck.***

Rage – That wasn't funny guys. The bottom of my pants are sopping wet.

Hollow – Yeah well two of our best friends are dead. I'd say we got off easy.

Rage – Easy? I'm almost definitely going to get ankle chafing. Not only is that embarrassing but it's also moderately uncomfortable. I think I've suffered enough as it is.

Hollow - …

Rage – Besides I wouldn't really call them my best friends. I mean sure we hang out with them a lot and we've had some pretty crazy times playing worms together but when was the last time they offered to give me a vital organ?

Hollow – You don't need any vital organs!

Rage – That shouldn't stop them from offering. Besides it's always good to have a few in reserve for a rainy day.

Hollow – You're a monster.

Will – I'll give you my vital organs Rage.

Rage – You will?

Will – Just let me be on quickbuild.

Rage – How about this instead? Because you're my friend and all, you give me your insides now and I'll put you on the list of definitely maybes some time in the near future.

Will – Deal!

Evanz – Hey guys I found the car!

Hollow – Great. Let's get the fuck out of here.

***Evanz, Hollow, Will and Rage approach the Citreon DS.** **Will tells Rage how happy he is to finally be a famous challenger. Rage agrees and asks Will if he has any congenital heart defects he should know about before the donation.***

Evans – To be honest I know we lost Peace and Fred but I still thought this whole thing would be way more challenging than it was.

***The telltale clank of an alien mech reverberates out of the darkness.***

Rage – WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

Evanz – Shit I don't know. Sorry. Quick how are we doing on provisions? Phoenix feathers? Cappuccinos? Anything?

Rage – What the fuck's a Phoenix feather?

Hollow – Coffee's disgusting. You're disgusting for suggesting it.

Evanz – Oh God I've got nothing too. Dammit Esther.

Rage – Who the fuck is Esther?

Hollow – Well I guess it's round two then.

***Hollow picks up a metal bar and a handful of his genitals, vigorously shaking both in the direction of the alien aggressor.***

Hollow – Come get me you bitch.

Will – Evanz what are you doing? Call Truffles. She'll fly us all to safety.

Evanz – Shut it kid. I don't have a magical flying sheep wife named Truffles.

Rage – Look Will this is not the time to start Evanz in on one of his sexual fantasies.

Evanz – Fuck you guys.

***The warbot walks slowly forward, towering over them.***

Rage – Well I guess this is it guys. Evanz if you somehow survive this I want you to find my quickbuild server…

Evanz – Oh my god I've been preparing my whole life for this moment.

Rage – …and I want you to shred it, because fuck you I'm the host and it's coming with me to the grave.

***The mechs mounted machine gun loudly whirs.***

***A solid gold TF-X crashes through the roof the parking complex, burying the mech and the Citreon DS in a pile of rubble.***

Rage – Oh God no it can't be.

***The cockpit hatch opens up in a blinding flash of light. A man in a full gold suit and sunglasses climbs out to the sounds of dubstep and prerecorded children's laughter.***

Rage – NO THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! YOU'RE DEAD! I KILLED YOU!

Evanz – Who is it?

Hollow – Just some guy who played against Rage in Super Battle Heaven Forever.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Is this Minecon?

Rage – GO AWAY FOUL SPIRIT! YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!

Will – Oh my god it's SkyDoesMinecraft. He's so funny. You're so funny. I'm your biggest fan. Say budder.

Rage – NO WILL DON'T FALL FOR IT! I BEAT HIM! ME! RAGE! YOU'RE MY BIGGEST FAN! NOT HIS!

Hollow – Sorry mate this isn't Minecon. This is a hospital. Good timing though. I think you just saved our lives.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Oh damn I could've sworn this was Minecon. I guess I was going too fast in my…flying golden car.

Will – Cmon say it. Say budder. Say iiiiit.

Evanz – Wow man where'd you get that thing?

Rage – BACK BAAAAAACK!

SkyDoesMinecraft – Oh that? Well you know, YouTube's got to take care of the talent.

Will – Please please please please please please please please please please…

***Will clings to SkyDoesMinecraft's golden pant leg.***

SkyDoesMinecraft – OK I guess I could do it this one time, since you're a fan and all. Here goes: It's not gold…

***SkyDoesMinecraft slowly pulls off his sunglasses, devilishly winking to no one in particular.***

SkyDoesMinecraft – …It's budder.

Will – Hahahahahah you're so funny.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Thanks kid. I try.

Rage – LEAVE! FOREVER AWAY FROM HERE!

SkyDoesMinecraft – So uh do you guys need a ride somewhere?

Hollow – Actually yeah that'd be amazing. Do you mind dropping us off at London?

Rage – NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

SkyDoesMinecraft – Is he going to be like this the whole time?

***Rage begins to violently hiss at SkyDoesMinecraft.***

Evanz – Yeah probably.

SkyDoesMinecraft – On second thought we're all out of room. Sorry guys. Good luck with, you know, surviving.

Rage – I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR PRECIOUS BUDDER! CHOKE ON IT!

Will – Wait Sky can I please come? Please please please please please please please?

SkyDoesMinecraft – Well I don't know kid I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Will – I'll give you this watch. Its mostly copper but it's painted to look like its gold.

SkyDoesMinecraft – Deal

***Will and SkyDoesMinecraft enter the golden TF-X and fly off into the setting sun.***

Hollow – Nice going Josh. Now we're fucking walking to London.

Rage – Totally worth it.

Hollow – No it's not.

Rage – I'll tell you one thing though, I'm going to miss that kid.

Evanz – That makes one of us.

Rage – Baaaaaaa.

***Evanz punches Rage in the stomach.***

Rage – Holy shit. What is it national punch rage in the dick day?

Hollow – Ughhh God no. Nobody wants to touch that.

***Evanz, Rage and Hollow walk over the crumpled carcass of the mech and head south toward Fluke and the promise of safety.***


	6. Chapter 6

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 6 – London

***Hollow, Rage, and Evanz wander for hours through the rubble of London and find themselves at the foot of Fluke's apartment building.***

Rage – Hollow go knock on the door.

Hollow – I'm not your slave nancy boy. If you want the door opened, do it yourself.

Rage – Did you hear that everybody? Hollow doesn't want the door to open because he hates you. He hates you and he wants to drag this intro out as long as possible.

Hollow – That's a lie guys. Rage is a liar.

Evanz – Who are you talking to? I'm confused.

Rage – Look if you don't hate them then it's simple. Just open the door. Get this thing started. And if you leave it closed, well that just means you think all your subs are gay faggot retards.

Hollow – You're an asshole Josh. Nobody believes that. Don't believe that guys. I don't think you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I don't give a fuck about it. You can fuck a car if you want to. I don't care. Might as well jam it into a wall but you know, love is love.

Evanz – Are you guys ok? You're not making any sense. We should probably get you out of this heat.

Rage – Fuck a car? Something you need to tell us mate? Hahaha get it guys? Because he just talked about fucking cars. High five? Anybody? No? Fuck you guys then. I miss my 10-year-old.

Hollow - …and that's why I say faggot. Because it doesn't mean anything about being gay, it's just another word for a bag of spicy balls of meat. That you put in your mouth. It's a satire.

Evanz – I bet Fluke has some water, maybe even tea. You still like tea right Hollow?

Hollow – I'm a faggot. You're a faggot. Everybody's a faggot. It's all about being happy when you say it. I'm a happy faggot.

Rage – I knew it.

Hollow – Shut the fuck up Josh! I'm being supportive.

Evanz – Alright then.

***Evanz walks up to the doorway of Fluke's apartment and buzzes him hello.***

Fluke – Hello? Who's there? I'm not buying any more cutleries from the likes of you. If you need them to spread butter on a boot they're fine, but try and cut that same boot in half and they're completely useless.

Evanz – Hey Fluke, it's me Evanz.

Fluke – Evanz! Oh how I've missed our times together, frolicking about in the meadows, chasing after the ice-cream man, painting with our fingers… Wait! How do I know it's really you and not some snakeoil salesman after my fistful of coppers?

Evanz – I promise it's me.

Fluke – Your word is no good here! You purveyor of paltry plastics, you sultan of second-rate shelvings, you…

Evanz – I super duper promise it's me.

Fluke – Of course! How could I ever have doubted you! I'll be right down to let you in.

***Hollow towers over a bruised and bloodied Rage.***

Rage – C'mon Hollow tell me about the babe.

Hollow – I keep hitting him but he never seems to stop talking.

Rage – Come onnnnnn. I know you know itttttt.

Hollow – Maybe I'm just not hitting hard enough.

***Fluke swings open the door, the light from his "adventuring goggles" momentarily blinds everyone in a half mile.***

Fluke – Old buddy old pal old friend it's been too long. Why the last time I saw you, you only came up to my shoulders, and now, you come all the way up to my shoulders! Just look at you! Why what's this peach fuzz I see growing on your bottom lip? Have you been hitting the puberty?

Evanz – Um yeah I think so.

***Fluke hugs Evanz***

Fluke – I'm so proud. My little Evanz is all grown up. Ugh I feel so old. I've got crows feet under my eyes. Never mind that though. It's impolite for you to notice. You're old enough to be on your own now. Go on get out of the house. It's time to fly the coop little bird. I can't take care of you all the time because that would be communism. And if there's one thing I hate it's birds that believe in communism.

Evanz – But I just got here.

Fluke – Don't make this any harder than it already is. Now leave baby birdy, just leave! It's time for you to be a grownup. Oh God I promised I wouldn't cry.

***Fluke beats Evanz away with a broom while gently sobbing.***

Rage – Dammit Evanz what are you doing to Fluke?

Evanz – But I didn't…

Fluke – I tried to reason with the man but he just wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen to reason I tell you!

***Fluke collapses to the floor and starts shaking Rage's pants legs.***

Rage – It's ok Will. Come on let's get you out of the sun and away from that monster.

Fluke – Thank you kind sir or madam. You are a saintly saint saint who should be sainted by Pope Saint Popington.

Evanz – So uh what's going on exactly?

Hollow – It's ok Evanz this sort of stuff happens all the time. The fumes from the copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide Fluke uses on his hair have gradually eaten away at his brain. He does get a bit loopy every now and again.

Fluke – I'm a princess Evanz. I'm a princess and you're my queen mommy. And I love you. But you're a bit of a slut. Shhhh shhh shhh. Don't worry my lips are sealed.

Rage – Hahaha ok right how funny would it have been had Fluke put an actual seal to his lips just then. Get it? Like the animal.

Evanz – Not very funny at all really.

Hollow – 5 out of 10.

Fluke – Numbers? Numbers maths, maths school, school science. IT'S SCIENCE JENKINS! THE ANSWER IS SCIENCE!

***Fluke slams the door to his apartment building, stops, flings back open the door, yells science, and marches up to his room. Hollow, Rage and Evanz follow quietly behind.***

Rage – Where's the science Will?

Fluke – What science? What are you on about? How did you get into my home?

Evanz – You invited us.

Fluke – Evanz! Boy am I happy to see you! And your hair! It's so wooly.

Evanz – Don't start.

***Fluke brushes Evanz hair with his fingers.***

Fluke – Yes very wooly. Like a goat.

***Evanz ducks to avoid Fluke's hand.***

Hollow – So Fluke what've you been up to?

***Fluke swivels his head around to face Hollow.***

Fluke – Oh you know, not much. Looting mostly.

Evanz – You're looting?

Fluke – Only when I get the urge. Anything to get me out of the house really. Bagel shops, grocery stores, the local zoo, I tried to get something from Steam but they've banned my credit cards, which to be fair shouldn't stop me from looting but it turns out they're less of an actual place and more of a computer magic.

***A tail is seen moving behind the door.***

Rage – Is that an ocelot?

Fluke – Who Endless? Yeah she's my little looted angel. I broke her out of the zoo. I figure she's paid her debt to society.

Rage – I fucking love ocelots.

Fluke – You should see her after I've locked her in a cage for a couple hours. She draws the prettiest pictures.

Rage – No seriously guys I fucking love ocelots.

Evanz – I'd keep Rage away from that ocelot.

Fluke – What ocelot?

Hollow – Have you heard from Jake?

Fluke – Oh yeah Jake. I've heard from Jake.

Hollow – What have you heard?

Fluke – Nothing.

Evanz – But you just said

Fluke – Jake's dead.

Hollow – Jake's dead?!

Rage – Fucking ocelots mate.

Fluke – Yeah I found his body in the airport. He was sitting outside of security staring at postcards of Los Angeles. He used to stay like that for months at a time.

Hollow – So that's where he would run away to.

Fluke – He lived off of giant pretzels, mayonnaise packets, and wishful thinking.

Evanz – How'd he die?

Fluke – His heart was broken.

Evanz – Black magic?

Fluke – Spear.

Hollow – At least he died doing what he loved.

Fluke – True say brother, true say.

***A flash of light hits outside.***

Hollow – Shit I thought they were done bombing London.

Fluke – They've been bombing London?

Rage – It's like the ocelot can stare directly into my soul.

Evanz – Rage put your pants back on.

***A dark figure pounds on the apartment door.***

Hollow – Shit somebody's outside.

***Pound***

Fluke – They're back for my coppers. The rat bastards.

***Another flash of light sets the roof on fire.***

Hollow – We've got to go. Again. Fucking aliens.

***Pound***

Rage – Well I'm not leaving Endless.

Evanz – You're kind of sick aren't you?

***Pound***

Hollow – Lay off him Evanz. Love is love.

***The fire spreads down the walls.***

Fluke – Well if nobody else is going to get the door.

***Pound***

Hollow – Wait!

***Fluke opens the door. The dark figure tackles Fluke and holds a knife to his throat.***

Henry – Where the fuck is my Peace?


	7. Chapter 7

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 7 – Henry

***The warm glow of the blaze flickers across Henry's scarred face. Cold sweat mixes with the dried blood on his arm. The jagged blade in his hand shakes slightly as it presses against the soft flesh above Fluke's jugular vein.***

Rage – Le sup?

Fluke – Haven't even invited me to dinner and you're already on top of me. Men these days.

Henry – I'll ask you one more time before I start cutting. Where the fuck is my Peace?

Hollow – He's uh well he's uh about that…

Evanz – Look Hollow there's no use in lying to him. Henry, this is going to come as a shock to you, but Peace is gone.

Henry – What do you mean gone? Where is he?

Rage – He's dead Henry. D-E-D dead. Kaput. Gonzo. Like eggs in a freezer. He's never coming back. Ever. Jesus this one's a bit thick isn't he?

Hollow – Shut it Josh. It's ok Henry, everything's going to be a-ok. Now take a step back and put down the knife. We'll have a nice talk and some tea. You've got tea right Fluke?

Fluke – Nope. I had to burn it to make room for the pigeons.

Hollow – Why does no one have tea? This is England for Christ's sake.

Rage – What's Christ got to do with anything?

Hollow – Shut up Josh.

Evanz – Why do you have pigeons Fluke?

Fluke – Pigeons? Now there's an idea.

Henry – Shut up! Everybody just shut up and let me think! He has to be alive. He's Peace. He's my Peace. Nothing can kill my Peace.

Rage – Nothing can kill your Peace? You've never seen Aqua Buffalo before. One good gore and it's like he's not even a person anymore. I know, I know you're thinking that nothing could get through that Peace blubber, but you'd be wrong. You'd be so wrong that the very wrongness of that thought travelled through time and killed your favorite person in the whole world. So don't go pointing fingers at us Henry. You murderer.

Hollow – Seriously Josh you're not helping here.

Fluke – Ok mate, your hands are really starting to wander. Who raised you? Misogyny wolves in the forest of how-not-to-treat-a-lady?

Henry – How could you let this happen? Huh? You dickless taint fuckers! How? You had one job! One fucking job!

***Henry presses the knife deeper into Fluke's neck, causing it to bleed.***

Hollow – Put. The. Goddamned. Knife. Down. Henry.

Henry – No! I'm the one in control here! You fuckers listen to me! You fuckers obey me!

Hollow – This isn't how we do things Henry. You don't get to start killing just because you feel like it. You don't get to start killing at all.

Henry – You don't get to tell me what to do! You're not Peace! You'll never be Peace!

Hollow – You're right. I'm not Peace. I'm Batman.

***Hollow runs face first at Henry. Henry shouts at Hollow in angry German and pounds his own chest. A ceiling crossbeam catches flame and falls to the ground, hitting the pigeon coop in the kitchen. The coop bursts open and hundreds of pigeons swarm behind the newly freed back of Fluke. Fluke shout-screams "Away my pigeons! Away! Bring to me the horizon!" as he is tackled to the ground by a leaping Hollow. Pigeon after pigeon fly into Henry's open mouth, causing him to stumble slightly. Endless the Ocelot charges for the door, knocking Henry to the floor. Rage kicks Henry twice in the testicles, stubbing his toe. Evanz mouths the words "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" as he walks over Henry's body. Fluke and Hollow continue to roll down the stairs and out on to the moonlit street. Flashes of light shake and rattle the ground beneath them.***

Hollow – Shit where do we go from here?

Rage – Oh the great and powerful Hollow doesn't have a plan? Well this is new.

Evanz – Cool it Rage.

Rage – Alls I'm saying is that maybe Peace and that other guy…

Evanz – Fred

Rage – Yeah whatever…Maybe they'd still be here if a certain idiot didn't decide to bitch it up in the ventilation shaft. And then maybe we wouldn't have a maniac threatening to kill Will in his own home.

Fluke – Pigeons!

Hollow – No Josh you shut the fuck up. You're the one who suggested it. Not me.

Rage – No I think I'd remember something like that.

Hollow – You're such a fucking prick Josh.

Rage – Maybe but name one time in the last second that I got somebody in our group killed. Huh? Betcha can't bitch. You've got no plan and no hope of getting us out of here alive.

***Hollow punches Rage square in the jaw.***

Hollow – How's that for a plan?

***Rage throws himself at Hollow's stomach. Rage and Hollow writhe about on the ground slapping each other furiously.***

***Evanz fires a gun into the air**, t**hen tosses it in a gutter, never to be used again.***

Evanz – Cut it out. Both of you. This isn't helping anyone. We need to find a way out of London. It's not safe anymore.

***Rage and Hollow look up from their dog pile of blood and sweat. Rage has two fistfuls of Hollow's hair. Hollow is clawing his way across Rage's leg.***

Rage – You're not safe anymore.

Hollow – This doesn't concern you Evanz. Me and Manbaby are settling this once and for all.

Evanz – It can wait. This can't.

Rage – Who died and elected you queen?

Evanz – Stream chat. Now help me or we all die.

***Henry stands outside Fluke's apartment building, lightly singed and coughing up feathers.***

Henry – MINE! ALL OF YOUR BLOOD IS MINE!

***Hollow elbows Rage in the balls.***

Evanz – Go go go!

***Evanz, Rage and Hollow run as fast as they can down the streets of London. Fluke rides gallantly alongside them on top of Endless. Rage reaches out to stroke Endless and Fluke bats his hand away with a cardboard sword. Henry sprints after them on all fours.***

Evanz – Quick in here!

***Evanz, Rage, Hollow, Fluke and Endless dart inside an overturned double decker bus on the left side of a four-way intersection. Henry crawls about outside, sniffing the air. Henry's knife scrapes itself across the ground. Hollow remarks at how fucking beautiful that fucking sound is. Evanz stares blankly at Henry through a cracked window. Fluke gently pets Endless as they take turns huffing hydrogen peroxide out of a brown paper bag. Rage stops his whimpering to grab at the bag and demand a go. Henry lurches steadily towards the double decker. Evanz prays silently to Kent. Henry reaches for the bus door. Hollow grips a glass fragment tightly in his right hand. Rage's eyes gloss over, he is finally happy. A pigeon squawks from atop a lamp post. Henry pivots and chases after it and into the night.***


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 8 – Morning

***The sun peaks above the cityscape. Evanz, Hollow, Fluke, Endless the Ocelot, and Rage spent the night in slightly vandalized public transportation. Fluke is roasting what might have once been a rat over a trashcan fire.***

Fluke –Wakey wakey. Don't dawdle now. If you sleep in you won't get any worms with your breakfast and if you don't get any worms with your breakfast well then what's the point of picking yourself up off the night night newspapers?

Rage – Oh come on Will, I can still see the sun. Why would anyone get up this early?

Fluke – Someone's a Mister Stinkerpots today. Here have some breakfast sausage.

Rage – No Will I don't want your breakfast sausa-

***Fluke shoves the mostly burnt rat deep into Rage's mouth.***

Fluke – You're so cranky when you're hungry.

***Rage hunches over and violently coughs.***

Fluke – Now eat it all up or you won't grow big and strong and if you don't grow big and strong you won't be able to eat this street porridge and if you don't eat this street porridge well I'll be up to my eyes in street porridge and I won't be able to see anything but street porridge and I'll go mad and I'll cut off all of your toes while you're sleeping and we can't have that. We can't have that at all. Now where did that Evanz boy run off to?

***Fluke opens the bus doors, lowers his "adventuring goggles", raises a handful of shampoo product, and blows on a pull whistle that eerily mimics the vocal sounds of the words "vote" and "evanz". Evanz raises a finger to his lips from inside his impromptu pillow fort.***

Hollow – Fluke make you eat breakfast sausage?

Rage – Yeah. What's in that stuff? I never sausage a thing before. Get it? Sausage. Saw such. It's a pun.

Hollow - Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Rage – No sense in dwelling on the past. I mean shut up.

Hollow – I'm surprised you're not over by Endless.

Rage – Well I woke up covered in scratches and every time I get near her she growls.

Hollow – Do you even remember last night?

Rage – I huffed a lot of bag man.

Hollow – You're not really a role model are you?

Rage – Like at least half. And it was a big bag.

Hollow – So I've been thinking, we can't just keep driving around England. Eventually the war's going to catch up to us. We need to get to someplace where we stand a chance of holding our ground. Someplace with guns enough for all of us. Josh, I think we need to go to America.

Rage – That was the stuff man. Oh baby that was the stuff.

Hollow – Are you even listening?

Rage – I wonder if Fluke has any more. I'll just go check over by Endless.

Hollow – Books always listen. Books are my only real friends.

***Rage crawls over to where Endless is sleeping and stretches out a sweaty hand to grab at her matted hair. This startles Endless and she jumps into Evanz's pillow fort, toppling it. Fluke steps down from the bus doors and slips on a pillow. Fluke falls and hits his head. From the floor he looks up to see Evanz and Endless surrounded by pillows. Fluke shakes his fist as he chases Evanz and Endless inside and outside of the bus to the tune of Yakety Sax.***

Rage – Damn no dice. So Hollow what were you saying? Something depressing I'm guessing?

Hollow – Well if this is all that's left of London then there's not much left for us in England. I mean every place we've been to so far has either been destroyed or soon to be destroyed by Henry and/or Aliens. At least in America we have a fighting chance.

Rage – You know there's no tea in America right?

Hollow – It's not like we've faired much better over here. Besides it's a big place I'm sure they'll have something.

Rage – No I'm serious. They dumped all their tea in the Boston Harbor.

Hollow – That was hundreds of years ago dingus.

Rage – Just don't say I never warned you. I went to uni. I know things.

***Yakety Sax stops playing and Evanz, Endless, and Fluke all scramble to find a chair. Evanz is too slow and loses. Fluke and Endless point and laugh.***

Evanz – GG no re. So what did we miss?

Rage – Hollow wants to go to America.

Evanz – Why would he want to do that? Doesn't he know they dump all their tea in the Boston Harbor?

Rage – That's what I tried to tell him. He just won't listen.

Fluke – Are we going to America? I love America! G'day Mate! Throw another shrimp on the Barbie. I'm an American let's go wrestle an alligator.

Evanz – I don't think that's –

Rage – Let him have this one.

Hollow – I just don't know how we're going to get there.

Fluke – Oy I suppose we could kick box a mommy kangaroo with a drop bear and grab the nearest elf boat on a one way course out off Middle Earth.

Evanz – That last one was New Zealand. Besides wouldn't that mean we'd be sailing away from it instead of sailing towards it?

Fluke – I reckon it does. Then again I reckon it doesn't.

Hollow – Maybe not that. We'll uh leave that as a strong plan b.

Fluke – Alright there mate.

Hollow – So does anyone else have an idea?

Rage – We could always use the Ragican Fleet.

Hollow – What do you mean the Ragican Fleet?

Rage – Well, you know, the Grand Fleet of the Ragican Empire. I had it built before Super Battle Heaven Forever Season 2. A little insurance in case the votes don't go my way.

Hollow – You're going to jail.

Rage – I got a bunch of the wannabe quick build challengers to build it under the supervision of Spud McCullough and Curaxu. I promised them all t-shirts.

Evanz – That's a lot of t-shirts.

Rage – Well I didn't actually give them the t-shirts, what with this economy and all.

Hollow – Probably for life.

Rage – Do you want to go to America or don't you?

Hollow – Fine. I won't report you this time. But next thing I see and you're definitely getting a citation.

Rage – I'm shaking.

Evanz – So where is it?

Rage – I've had them following me for a while now. Just one call and they'll be right down.

Hollow – You've had a fleet this whole time and you made us walk to London?!

Rage – Hey it's not my fault you don't follow RagicanFleet on twitter.

Hollow – I don't care any more. At this point I'm just numb.

Rage – Now where was I? Oh that's right. I was saving our asses.

***Rage pulls the plushie of his minecraft skin out of his shirt pocket and strokes the face whispering "You're my favorite. You're everyone's favorite. You're so funny. Everyone wants to be you."***

Hollow – What? How's that gonna-

Rage – Shhhh shhhhh shhhhh saving our asses.

***Rage returns to the plushie, this time with gusto. The distant hum of a motor soon becomes a deafening roar. Rage continues to stroke with one hand and uses the other hand to fling open the bus doors. Three red and black zeppelins tower in the air above them.***

Rage – WHAT DID I TELL YOU? DON'T EVER DOUBT THE RAGICAN EMPIRE!

Hollow – HOLY

Evanz – SHIT.

Fluke – YAY A BALLOON! I LIKE BALLOOONS.

Hollow – IT'S A BIT LOUD ISN'T IT?

Rage – WHAT?

Hollow – I SAID IT'S A BIT LOUD. IT'S KIND OF HARD FOR US TO HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THE SOUND OF THE ZEPPELIN.

Rage – WHAT? HOLLOW YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE ZEPPELIN.

Hollow – WHAT?

***Evanz grabs the plush doll out of Rage's hands and the deafening roar falls silent.***

Evanz – Much better.

Rage – Hey! Give me back to me! It's precious!

Evanz – In a bit, first we're going to talk without shouting at each other.

Fluke – BUT I LIKE SHOUTING

Evanz – Next time Fluke.

Fluke – AWWWWW

Rage – Fine. It'll take a while for them to build a rope ladder anyways.

Evanz – It doesn't already have a rope ladder?

Rage – What? And give them a way to escape? This isn't my first fleet of militarized slave-labor airships here ok? Jesus.

Evanz – My bad.

Rage – Amateur.

Evanz – How'd they have time to build all this?

Rage – Ragicans don't need creature comforts like food or sleep or loved ones. No they live off of my pure unbridled hilarity and charm.

Evanz – They must be starving.

Hollow – I'd just like to take this moment to say, thank you unrealistically loyal subs. You are fan fucking tastic. You know if you ever want to build an airship fleet for me the link to my channel should be in the annotations. Or in the description if Josh is being a complete ass about it because of course he is.

Fluke – Evanz mommy can I have the balloon? Pretty please? I promise to do all my homework and only ever use it for good. Please mommy?

Evanz – We'll see. Have you cleaned behind your ears yet?

Fluke – No mommy.

Evanz – Well then I'm sorry, but no balloon today.

Fluke – Bitch mommy. Whore mommy.

Evanz – Hey do you kiss your mother with that mouth? I didn't think so. Now go sit in the corner.

***Fluke sulks his way to the corner of the overturned vehicle muttering under his breath.***

Evanz – And don't make me come back there mister, or the belt's coming off. Kids. Whatcha gonna do? Amirite?

Rage – Sure.

***Fluke waits till Evanz turns his back and then flips him off while sneaking bites from a jar of stolen cookies.***

Rage –Curaxu also built a military grade robotic dragon he houses in the cargo bay.

Evanz – A dragon? How is that even useful?

Fluke – Well I like it. I like it a lot. In fact I like it so much that I think that only fat cranky wrinkled dumb baby doo doo heads with floppy vaginas would think it wasn't useful.

Rage – See Will thinks it's cool.

Evanz – That's quite enough out of you young man. And of course he does. Fluke thinks most things are cool.

Rage – That doesn't make it any less cool.

Hollow – Yup that's GenerationHollow. With a G and an H. And some other, less important letters.

Rage – Besides the main reason Curaxu built it was to one up Spudd McCullough.

Evanz – Yeah I'm a bit surprised they're working together at all.

Rage – Meh it's a bit like that Odd Couples show on Animal Planet. By all rights one of them should be dead.

Hollow – New content daily.

Rage – So are we ready to bring this back now, bring this back now, bring this back now tonigheeight? They should be done with the ladder by now.

Evanz – Why not? It makes about as much sense as everything else that's been happening.

Rage – Score one for the Evil Empire.

Hollow – The best tea this side of India.

Fluke – Adventure!

***Evanz tosses the plushie to Rage who furiously strokes it. The deafening roar returns and a rope ladder drops down from the middle zeppelin. Evanz climbs up the ladder pulling Fluke behind him by his ear. Rage ties himself to the ladder and to Endless. Endless claws at Rage's bespectacled face. Rage hurts so good. Hollow grabs hold of the end of the ladder and shouts "30k subs and rising". They are raised into the airship and then again into the clouds. The sun shines brightly over London.***


	9. Holiday Special

Everyone's Not Dead. Friday The Thirteenth Holiday Edition.

A Ragican FanFic

By Winnebagels

[Winnebagels Note: Hey everybody. I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for sticking with me as long as you have. I know I've gotten progressively worse at updating this and talking to you people in the at all. I'm sorry for that. School's started back up and I've got three different upper level math classes that are demanding most of my time. Yes I'm a math major. Yes the only thing I'm going to do with that is to be homeless on a street corner selling my body for drugs. Yes I love you too mother. But yeah basically I'm really sorry I haven't done anything in a while. I promise if I have free time over the weekend I'll write chapters nine and ten and get them to you. That said I'm giving y'all the exact opposite of what you want by writing a one off alternate story inspired by a comment from nataz1011 and in honor of Friday the 13th. It's very poorly written but at his point that's to be expected. Enjoy.]

Holiday Special – The Cabin

***Rage, Hollow, Evanz, Fluke and Endless the Ocelot are driving to a lake house their estranged uncle left them in his will. It was built on an Indian Burial ground and was used as a top-secret chemicals lab for the government during the war. The fields they pass are littered with crop circles and all of the bees have disappeared. A dense fog hangs heavily to the mountain path***

Evanz – How far away are we?

Rage – What was that Evanz?

Evanz – I asked how far away we were.

Rage – Yeah ok. Now those are definitely words that you're trying to say but I can't make any of them out through that thick Welsh accent of yours.

Evanz – What thick Welsh accent?

Rage – Woah there calm the fuck down Evanz. There's no need for that kind of language.

Hollow – What's going on? I can fix it.

Rage – Evanz is cussing me out in Welsh speak.

Evanz – I am not. I've lived in England most of my life, I don't have a Welsh accent.

Rage – See? There he goes again!

Hollow – That offended you? You big manbaby. That was just a bunch of consonants and sheep noises.

Rage – Hateful consonants and sheep noises.

Hollow – He was talking to you of course it's going to be hateful. Now shut up and get us to the cabin. If we don't stay the whole night we don't get to keep it remember?

Evanz - I have no idea why you guys are my best friends.

Rage – Shhhh Evanz stop hatefully bleating at me, I'm trying to drive.

***Rage casually swerves to avoid a man standing in the road wielding a chainsaw**.*

Fluke – Jesus man you really need to calm down with the driving, you'll wake Endless up.

Rage – You…you brought your ocelot with you?

Fluke – Yeah we go everywhere together. Man and Ocelot have become one you know.

Rage – Oh I know. Let me just…let me just see her. See her with my hands. I uh forgot my glasses and I need to rub my hands all over her if I'm going to get a halfway decent look.

Fluke – Yeah I guess that checks out. Go right ahead.

Rage – My cold, sweaty, trembling hands.

Fluke – No need to preach to the choir man.

***Rage takes his hands off the wheel to grab after Endless the Ocelot. Rage breathes heavily. Endless whimpers slightly. Evanz reminds everyone that someone should be driving. Hollow slaps Evanz repeatedly claiming he's grown hysterical. Fluke takes another toke from his novelty fire hydrant bong. The bus veers off the road, down a hill, and into one of the walls of the lakehouse.***

Hollow – Looks like we made it. Let's get to unpacking those mirrors and black cats that we stored in the trunk.

Fluke – Who's house is this again?

***Rage looks up from Endless after getting repeatedly scratched in the face.***

Rage – Clever girl. You've got some fight in you, I fucking love that.

Evanz – It's our uncle's? Right? He left it to us in his will or something. He was a puppet maker and they found him in his bathtub cut to pieces with tiny bloody handprints all over his body. Police said he died of natural causes.

Hollow – Maybe you should start writing things down. That way we could communicate.

Rage – Hold on mate I got this. Evanz. Evanz. You. Coal. Miner. Mine. Coal. We. English. We. Have. Electricity. Light Spirits. And. Running. Water. Water Spirits.

***Rage uses large demonstrative hand motions to tell the story of the savage Welsh being conquered by the noble English mainly through the use of boiled foods and funny hats.***

Evanz – What uni did you go to again?

Hollow – What did he say?

Rage – Something about wanting the smallest room in the house. It was hard to make out between all the praise he gave me for being a witty, attractive and overall extraordinary human being.

Fluke – So I just got back from the trunk and, well let's just save the kitty fun house for another adventure. One where we have working mirrors and kitties that are still alive.

Hollow – Damn it well I guess that means we're leaving all this clown makeup in the bus.

Fluke – Yeah I guess. Bit of a buzzkill really.

Hollow – At least we can still play with the Ouija board. You brought the incense right?

Fluke – Yup. I got the primo stuff too. They say this came straight from an Egyptian tomb.

Hollow – Wow how'd you get it so cheap?

Fluke – The last owner's family was carried away by scarabs. I guess he was hurting for cash.

***Hollow, Fluke, Evanz, Rage, and Endless circle around a Ouija game board coated liberally with pig's blood.***

Hollow – Weird I don't remember that blood being there when I bought it from that travelling gypsy.

Fluke – Don't look a gift horse in the mouth man. Now what should we ask it? How about "Why is there a man in the moon? Is he watching us? And if he's watching us what is he doing with his hands?"

Evanz – I'm gonna go pee in the dark woods without a torch. No looking at my cards while I'm gone.

Rage – Oh stop it Evanz. I know I'm big down there but please we're in public. Sorry about my friend, baby.

***Rage winks at Endless, his mouth wide open and his chin backed up to meet with his neck.***

Hollow – We can start after I open this umbrella, I don't want any of that black stuff leaking from the ceiling to mess with my reading time.

***Evanz screams loudly in the background.***

Fluke – What was that?

Rage – I don't know but I have blood in my diarrhea. I mean I have blood in my diarrhea, baby.

***Rage does his best to smile at Endless the Ocelot while his face contorts with tears and sloppy fear-sweat.***

Hollow – It sounded like Evanz. We should split up and find him.

Rage – No we should just call the cops and leave. Now. I'm sure that's what Evanz would've wanted. I need my security lizard.

Fluke – Me and Endless will check the kitchen. I could stand to get something to munch on. Oh shit do we have hot pockets and Cheetos? I could so go for hot pockets and Cheetos.

Hollow – We're looking for Evanz Fluke.

Fluke – Oh yeah. That's what I meant.

Rage – Wait don't leave! I was just kidding about the lizard. She means nothing to me. Guys?

***Hollow walks outside and into the flickering forest. A mother fox shrieks in the distance.***

Hollow – Evanz? Evanz are you here? We can play the new COD DLC back inside the cabin. It let's you respawn and everything. Come on man come on out this isn't funny anymore.

***Hollow approaches a large pine tree and sees Evanz's stomach cut open and his throat slit.***

Hollow – You ok buddy? Can you try and walk it off for me?

***A twig breaks and Hollow looks up to see a figure standing above him, dripping blood.***

Hollow – Oh. So it's you. Well you should know one thing before you step any closer.

***The figure cocks its head to the side. It's beady eyes staring quizzically at Hollow.***

Hollow – I'm the goddamn batman.

***Fluke and Endless sit at the kitchen table. The most that they found in the cabinets was an old can of ravioli and a jar of molasses. They split the meal between them.***

Fluke – Look you're entitled to your opinion, however wrong it may be, but RoboChurchill beats Mutant Margaret Thatcher any given Sunday.

***A window crashes and Hollow can be heard laughing hysterically for a period of time before the sudden onset of silence.***

Fluke – Rage must've left the tellie on again. Him and his damn Latin Soap Operas. Don't eat all the good pieces while I'm gone.

***Fluke walks into the hallway and past the dark figure standing on the staircase. A river of blood at his feet.***

Fluke – Rage come on man turn it down. They don't really love you, they're just characters on a show. They're paid to say it, just like your parents.

***The figure stands behind Fluke, running his knife up and down Fluke's spine.***

Fluke – This isn't the time for a tickle fight Endless. Besides the more we play, the more I wind up in the hospital.

***Fluke turns around to face the figure. The sounds of a heavy rain can be heard through the broken window.***

Fluke – You're not Endless.

***Rage wallows in a mix of his own juices as he rocks back and forth in the fetal position.***

Rage – You're the best arouhound….

***Fluke's scream bounces off the thick walls of the cabin. Distorting it to the point that it hardly sounds human anymore.***

Rage – …no one's ever…gonna…keep you…down.

***Footsteps approach Rage at a steady rhythm. Rage whines and each whine is punctuated by a thud on the cabin floor.***

Rage – Look I know we got off on the wrong foot here but I really think we could be friends.

***The footsteps draw closer and Rage wets himself for the third time in the past hour.***

Rage – I didn't even like those guys. They were assholes. If you had told me I would have helped you kill them.

***A figure appears in the doorway.***

Rage – Oh God please don't hurt me! Please please please please please! I'm too famous to die.

***The figure walks out of the doorway and into the light. It is Endless with an open gas can in her mouth.***

Rage – Oh thank God it's you! I uh, I wasn't scared. I was just acting. I'm an entertainer.

***Endless stares at Rage.***

Rage – What are you doing with that gas can anyways?

***Endless whips her tail to reveal a book of matches.***

Rage – But if we burn the place down we'll never get the money to rebuild the civic center.

***Endless stares at Rage.***

Rage – Alright alright we'll leave.

***Rage and Endless get in the van and back out of the cabin. The front bumper falls off. Endless lights a match and flicks it on to the trail of gasoline leading into the house. Rage and Endless drive away without looking back as the house bursts into flames behind them. Rage hums "Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions". The van speeds into the rising sun.***

Rage – Wow we lasted through the night after all. And I found twenty dollars on the floor of this van so I guess it's cool to tell this story at parties.

***Endless stares at Rage.***

Rage – Haha good point Endless. You know what though? The way the light just hits the blood spatter on your matted fur really makes me think I'm starting to fucking love you.

***Endless stares at Rage.***

Rage – What do you say Endless? Do you want to make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?

***Endless does not say anything. She is an ocelot.***

Rage – I knew you'd say yes. Wow this really was a perfect weekend.

***Rage adjusts his mirrors just in time to see the dark figure sitting in the backseat of the van moving a knife to his throat. The van flips three times and lands on its side in an open field. Daisies are growing off to one side. Glass is broken. Endless lies dead in a heap of scrap metal. Rage crawls farther and farther away from the crash. The dark figure walks toward Rage. Slowly yet deliberately. His knife glimmers in the rising sun.***

The Dark Figure – You took him away from me Rage. He was mine and you took him away. You really are a piece of shit aren't you?

***The figure steps on to Rage's back. Rage claws at the ground in front of him but can go no further.***

The Dark Figure – You took my Peace Rage. And a world without Peace is hardly a world at all.

***Rage opens his mouth, croaking roughly. His throat burns.***

The Dark Figure – So I took your world away from you. Piece by piece. I killed you Rage. And all you did was run away.

***Rage motions the figure closer.***

The Dark Figure – The last words of the man who would never shut up. And they come as a whimper. How fitting.

***The figure lowers his ear to Rage as he lies on the ground.***

Rage – Fuck you Henry. Fuck you and goodbye.

***Rage slices Henry's throat with a piece of broken windshield.***

***Henry falls on to Rage as they breathe their last. The blaze sweeps over the forest in a cleansing fire.***

[Winnebagels Note: Happy Holidays Everybody! New stuff soon!]


	10. Chapter 9

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 9 – Flight

***Evanz, Endless the Ocelot and Fluke giggle furiously atop their assorted office chairs. Hollow mumbles to himself as he reads the various wooden signs strewn about the carpeted floor. Rage laughs loudly as he jumps from face to quick build challenger face.*******

Hollow – You should really read these.

Rage – Not now Hollow. I'm busy.

***Rage crouches slightly before jumping onto a grim reaper with fire for hands.***

Rage – Fuck yes. I love it when I can parkour their faces.

Hollow – One of us needs to find the exit.

Rage – Ugh why can't Fluke and Evanz do it?

Fluke – THE FLOOR IS LAVA.

Hollow – Apparently the floor is lava.

Rage – No it's not. The walls are lava.

Hollow – What? Why? I thought that was just decoration.

***Rage jumps onto an old woman. Her knees buckle under the weight.***

Rage – It makes it more aerodynamic.

Hollow – No it doesn't you dingus.

Rage – You didn't go to uni man. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

***The left wall of the lobby parts wide to reveal a dirty looking teenage boy. He sports a red hoodie and a poorly kept British Foot Guard uniform. He speaks in measured tones, breathing heavily through his gas mask. A startled Evanz falls out of his seat, breaking his fall with a nearby vase.***

L33TGamingz456Xxz69 – My name is L33tGamingz-with a zed-456-big x-little x-another zed-69. I'm your captain. Welcome aboard.

***Rage tries to jump again but trips himself on the old woman's face.***

Rage – Fucking challengers.

***Evanz and Fluke scramble to piece the vase back together before anyone notices. Endless stands as a lookout, shaping her front paws into binoculars.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – You must be RageGaming. I'm a big fan.

***Rage stops kicking the old woman in her ribs and turns to face this the newest of interlopers.***

Rage – Yes.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – …

Rage – …

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – …

***Rage kicks the old woman as she crawls her way to safety.***

Hollow – Well this is awful. So L33t is there any chance we could meet up with Spudd and Curaxu? We'd really like to get going.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sure thing.

Rage - …

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – STEVE? STEVE CAN YOU GO GET CURAXU AND SPUDD? STEVE? STEVE VISITORS ARE HERE. STEVE?

***Evanz and Fluke run out of tape and start using bubble gum.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – They'll be right down. Is there anything I can get you while we wait?

Hollow – Yeah actually there is one thing. Do you have any tea on board?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Nope sorry we don't carry tea. It wasn't aerodynamic enough.

***Hollow looks down at his feet, then he looks at the walls made of lava, and then he punches Rage in the shoulder.***

Rage – Ow you fucking sock wank. Don't blame me. Blame science.

***A paper mache replica of Minecraft Steve's head rolls in duct taped to a Roomba.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Oh hey Steve. Whats that? No I don't care how drunk he is. What do you mean blood-vomit? GOD DAMMIT STEVE! WE HAVE COMPANY! GET THEM IN HERE!

***L33tGamingz456Xxz69 swats at Steve with a rolled up newspaper.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sorry about that. Steve is a hell of a second-in-command but a bit of a shit when it comes to social situations.

Hollow – That's your second-in-command?

L33tGamingz457Xxz69 – I know he looks like a bit of a spaz at first but he's got a gentle heart and he's the best damn pugilist this side of York Hall.

Hollow – What in the hell is a pugilist?

Rage – Oh, you know, a pew guy. A guy who goes pew all the time. God Hollow, don't you know anything about warfare? Sorry about my friend here. He's a bit special.

***Hollow goes to punch Rage in the shoulder. Rage uses a nearby challenger as a human shield. L33tGamingz456Xxz69 stares at them blankly. Evanz and Fluke decide to just leave the vase as is and block the view of the table with their bodies. Steve hums his way back into the room, this time with Curaxu and a visibly shaken Spudd McCullough in tow.***

Curaxu – You're too damn competitive Spuddy boy. Of course you couldn't outdrink a bear. It's three times your size.

Spudd – You're the competitive one ye jobby jabber. Sharting blood just cause ye lost to Steve at Jenga.

Curaxu – That was one time. One time. Besides he almost certainly cheated. I don't lose. And I certainly don't lose to lesserlings.

Spudd – You're talking oot yer fanny flaps again Cura.

Curaxu – Watch your step Spuddy Boy. It pays to think before you speak. It also pays to not cover yourself in piss and blood-vomit before meeting company.

Spudd – Oy I didn't do it on purpose now did I? Most of that was there when I woke up.

Rage – Hey guys

Curaxu, Spudd – Hey boss.

Rage – How're things going up here on the Ragedenburg 1?

Spudd – Theys going boss theys going.

Curaxu – We could do with some more food actually. We had to stop rations to the Ragedenburg 3. We told them that they could just eat their RageGaming tshirts if they get too peckish but apparently they never got them.

Rage – Yeah uh must be a mix up in the mail or something.

Curaxu – Must be.

Rage – Because I definitely sent them.

***Fluke cracks under the pressure of the new arrivals.***

Fluke – IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN WE GOT HERE. I SWEAR. AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT COVERED IN THAT GUM THAT I LIKE. THAT'S PROBABLY JUST THE LIGHTING. YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR VASES IN BETTER LIGHTING.

Evanz – Shut up Fluke. You'll get us in trouble.

Fluke – ALSO WE'RE OUT OF THAT GUM THAT I LIKE. SO, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD STOP SOON.

***Spudd turns to look at Fluke and Evanz who are blocking the table from view via jazz hands.***

Spudd – Oy an what vase would that be laddie?

Fluke – Definitely not the vase that was on this table.

Spudd – Ye numpties. Do ye have any idea what was in that vase?

Fluke - Dreams?

Evanz – A second vase?

Spudd – Naw ye wee roasters. It was my granda's lucky ashes.

Evanz – I told you not to make a scene. Oh geez now we'll never get those merit badges.

Fluke – Endless did it.

***Endless hides under her paws.***

***Spudd races over to the table and kneels next to the wreckage.***

Spudd – Look at the state he's in. I'm sorry granda. I'll get ye back in yer vase with gran an pugsly.

***Steve roombas between Spudd's feet picking up shattered vase bits and stray piles of dust.***

Spudd – Come back here with my granda ye bawbag bastird, ye lecky hellfiend.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – No Spudd you mustn't! He doesn't know what he's doing! He's got the super autism!

***Steve repeatedly rams himself into a wall.***

Spudd – What he's got is my granda. And I only know one way to get him back out.

***Spudd chases after Steve, knocking the rest of the vase on to Evanz''s shoes.***

Evanz – Awww come on.

Hollow – Look I'm sure all of this is very important but can we please get things going again. I don't want to stay around London any longer than we have to. Especially not out in the open like this.

***Curaxu looks around the room, pauses, then decides that Hollow was talking to him.***

Curaxu – Where do you have in mind?

Hollow – Can these things make it to America?

Curaxu – Why would you want to go to America? Don't you know they throw all their tea in the Boston Harbor?

Hollow – They don't do that! That's not a thing!

Rage – Oh right I forgot. Because I guess you know everything there ever was to know about America.

Hollow – Shut up dingus. So Curaxu can you get us there or can't you?

Curaxu – Well we'll need to pick up some more aerodynamic lava…

Hollow – I hate you Josh. I hate you so much.

Rage – I know you are but what am I?

Curaxu - …And we'll have to pass through China because the Bermuda Triangle's full of spider tornados this time of year. But yeah, I think we jut might can get you to America. How's three weeks sound?

Hollow – It sounds like the best news I've heard all day. Thank you Curaxu.

Curaxu – Glad I could help citizen. Now stop pissing on Steve Spuddy Boy, we're going to the cockpit. We've got work to do.

Spudd – I'm the master of my own destiny Cura.

Rage – Haha you said cock.

Curaxu – I'll let you honk the horn if you come now.

Rage – Guys Curaxu just said cock.

Spudd – You're damn right you'll let me honk the horn.

Fluke – Ohh I get it. Hahaha that's another word for penis. You're a potty mouth Curaxu.

Evanz – Does anybody know how hard it is to get cremation ashes out of wool socks?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Very.

Evanz – Awww.

***Spudd and Curaxu race each other out of the lobby and down a hallway. Spudd sprints ahead only to vomit a little bit in his mouth and a lotta bit on to the floor. Rage uses a nearby challenger to mop up the sick, only succeeds in spreading it around. Hollow slips on the sick and tries to steady himself on a nearby wall; pulling back his hand after realizing it was lava. Steve bumps against Hollow's head before being slapped away by an apologetic L33tGamingz456Xxz69. Fluke, Evanz, and Endless the Ocelot play leapfrog down the corridor. They stop to pick Hollow up off the ground and form a line of can-can dancers.***


	11. Chapter 10

Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 10 – The Blockade

***Spudd McCollough sits atop the captain's chair in the cockpit of the Ragedenburg 1, furiously honking the horn of a toy steering wheel. Curaxu sits atop a noticeably taller captain's chair just to the right of Spudd McCollough's chair. Macaroni sits at the command console just below the two captain's chairs, etching crudely shaped penises into the glass. Rage is standing by the chief communications officer and the chief engineer, cackling as they fight to the death for his amusement. L33tGamingz456Xxz69 sits on the only functional captain's chair, throwing himself into his work. Steve lies below them in the ship's only turret. Evanz, Endless the Oceolt, and Fluke stand in the hallway and sneak puffs from a cigarette. The cigarette makes Evanz's tummy ache. Hollow slumps against a nearby terminal, still dripping with Spudd's vomit.***

Hollow – Hey L33t can I get a towel or something? I smell like iron and sheep intestines.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sure thing. STEVE! STEVE HOLLOW NEEDS TOWELS! NO NOT THE WHIPPING TOWELS. THE DRYING TOWELS. YES STEVE I'M SURE. OF COURSE WE'RE NOT HAVING ANOTHER POOL PARTY WITHOUT YOU. STOP BEING SO PARANOID AND DO YOUR GODDAMN JOB.

Hollow – This uh really isn't necessary.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – WELL YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE THIS TIME YOUR MOTHER'S THE WHORE. YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH BIG GUY?

Hollow – If you could just point me to the bathroom –

***Endless notices Evanz's tummy ache, and motions for Fluke to get a doctor.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I DON'T NEED YOU STEVE. YOU NEED ME. YOU'VE ALWAYS NEEDED ME. FINE THEN. GOOD. NO I'M HAPPIER.

Hollow – I'm gonna go see if Josh has anything.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – GUESS WHAT STEVE? MACARONI TOLD ME WHAT HE'S GETTING YOU FOR SECRET SANTA. IT'S A BUTT FUCKING STEVE. YOU'RE GETTING A BUTT FUCKING FOR CHRISTMAS.

Hollow – Hey Josh man can I borrow some clothes?

Rage – I knew you'd cave one day.

***Rage pulls a suitcase full of RageGaming t-shirts out of his back pocket, props it open, and hands a red shirt over to Hollow. The chief engineer lifts his bloody hands toward the suitcase but Rage uses a nearby stick to push him back into his "glory pit".***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sorry Hollow I'd love to help you out but it looks like SOMEBODY WOULD RATHER SHOVE THEIR IDEA–DICK DOWN MY THROAT–BLENDER THAN HELP COMPANY!

Hollow – It's ok mate. This'll do for now. Thanks though.

***Hollow wipes himself down with the RageGaming shirt, then throws it into the lava wall behind Rage.***

Rage – You prick blister.

***Fluke raises a bonesaw, says "Im a doctor".***

Hollow – Oh you didn't think I'd actually wear one of those did you? Cmon Josh I'm dirty not desperate.

Rage – Look man if you needed a mess rag you could've just borrowed a challenger.

Hollow – Meh this was easier.

***A neon red light flashes above the second testicle of Macaroni's command console.***

Macaroni – Hey boss we've got trouble brewing.

Curaxu – What kind of trouble?

***A flash of light streaks across the sky, severely damaging the Ragedenburg 3.***

Macaroni – Looks like the spaceys set up a blockade. We best get Greg to radio the others.

***Evanz backs away from Fluke, coughing while waving his hands.***

Rage – Greg didn't make it.

Hollow – What do you mean Greg didn't make it?

Rage – Uh lemme get back to you on that.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I guess we're using the flares then. STEVE. STEVE FIRE THE COMMUNICATION FLARES.

Hollow – Well?

Rage – Yeah my lawyers are telling me to blame the black guy. We have one of those right?

***Six green flares shoot out from under the Ragedenburg 1. They swerve wildly before colliding with the Ragedenburg 2, engulfing it in white hot fire.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I guess we're on our own.

***Doctor Fluke hacks away at Evanz, motioning to Nurse Endless for a second radio.***

Curaxu – Dammit Spuddy Boy. Why did you build these things so unnecessarily flammable?

***Spudd takes a minor respite from his honking, drops a swig from his hip flask, stares Curaxu dead in the eyes, and readjusts his crotch**.*

Macaroni – A spacey ship's coming alongside to board us boss. Deck 5 needs ground support near the breach.

Hollow – It's about damn time we got some action. L33t can you take us to the armory?

Rage – Why do you always get us involved Hollow? I'm sure somebody else could've handled it.

L33tGamings456Xxz69 – I can but that's not gonna do us any good if we can't carve our way through that blockade.

***Doctor Fluke slaps Evanz in the face yelling that he didn't go through six and a half years of Science School to let patients sleep through surgery.***

Curaxu – Let me worry about that.

Macaroni – Are you gonna rape them with your dragon boss? You should rape them. With your dragon.

Curaxu – Shhhh shhhh shhh Macaroni. Of course I will. For today, they face –

Rage – I told you somebody else could handle it.

Macaroni – I fucking love a good dragon rape.

Curaxu – That's right. I can handle it. The real question is if they can handle it when they face –

Hollow – That's just the blockade dingus. There's still a whole breach we hafta contain.

***Doctor Fluke throws a sheet over Evanz and calls it a success. Doctor Fluke and Nurse Endless split the rest of the absinthe 60-40.***

Curaxu – They'll be the ones containing their fear-urine when they face -

Rage – That you hafta handle you mean.

Curaxu – Speaking of faces –

Hollow – Oh no you don't man baby. This is your airship. You're helping.

Curaxu – GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!

Hollow – You ok Cura?

Rage – Jesus man don't you know it's rude to interrupt people?

Curaxu – OUUUUUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!

***Hollow raises his finger and opens his mouth. Some of the spittle coming off of Curaxu's controlled outburst hits Hollow in the face. Hollow turns to the hallway and mumbles to himself about "too much world edit".***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – BYE STEVE. YOU'RE ACTING CAPTAIN WHILE I'M AWAY. NO YOU CAN'T ADOPT A BEAGLE. BECAUSE THEY'D DIG UP THE CARPET. THAT'S IT MISTER YOU'VE JUST MOVED YOUR BEDTIME UP AN HOUR. BUH BUH BUH DON'T MAKE ME MAKE IT AN HOUR FIFTEEN.

***Hollow, Rage and L33tGamingz456Xxz69 walk into the hallway. Fluke quickly hides the cigarette behind his back. Rage gives Endless the quick up-down and smiles at her before sneezing everywhere. Rage says he must be allergic to purrrfection. Hollow knocks Rage's glasses to the floor.***

Hollow – So where's this armory anyways?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I don't really remember. Steve is the one who's good with directions.

Hollow – Well we can just go back –

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – No we mustn't! He can't see me weak like this.

***L33tGamingz456Xxz69 takes a clump of grass out of his shirt pocket, then releases it into the open air.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – This way.

***L33tGamingz456Xxz69 stumbles down the north hallway, spins around three times, and backtracks to the east hallway. Hollow and Rage follow closely behind. Fluke and Endless carry Evanz between them, Weekend At Bernie's style. Evanz lifts his head slightly and winks at Rage.***

***Curaxu and Macaroni stand outside the cargo bay and stare at Curaxu's battle dragon. It towers above them, cloaked in brimstone and speckled generously with obsidian. A small horse is linked to the mechadrake by a slight lead. A sign hangs from the horse's neck with the words "look at my horse".***

Curaxu – Hey baby. I missed you.

Macaroni – She sure is beautiful boss.

Curaxu – It's a boy Macaroni.

Macaroni – Then where's the –

Curaxu – Shhhh shhhh shhhh Mac, it's not the size that matters.

***Spudd's voice crackles loudly in Curaxus ear.***

Spudd – Ye there yet Cura? Me an' Steve cannie hold them off for much longer.

Curaxu – Yeah I'm here Spuddy Boy.

Spudd – Good laddie. Cause we got fighters coming up on starboard.

Curaxu – I see them.

Spudd – Good luck out there Cura.

Curaxu – Your sympathies are noted Spuddy Boy. Am I clear for take off?

Spudd – Aye you're clear. An' laddie, in case ye don't come back, I just wan ye to know that…you're my best friend.

Curaxu – Don't get sentimental on me Spuddy Boy. I'll be back soon. Somebody hasta pick you up out of your own piss.

Spudd – Oy ye mean somebody has te drag ye oot yer own arse.

Curaxu – We'll agree to disagree. But Spudd, there is one thing I have to tell you before I go.

Spudd – Aye?

Curaxu – You're a shit builder.

Spudd – Burn in Hell ye fannybawbag.

***Curaxu spins his robotic mount away from the zeppelin and into seven enemy warships. An absolutely bitching bass guitar riff blares in the background. The sky glows blood red in empyreal anticipation.***

***L33tGamingz456Xxz69 lifts his ear off of the ground and takes a sharp left turn. Fluke has resigned himself to pushing Rage in a makeshift wheelchair because Rage was tired of walking and Fluke needed the money. Hollow hugs the lava wall, keeping a low center of gravity and doing an occasional barrel roll. Evanz leans against Endless and quietly munches on a fish burger.***

Hollow – How far away are we L33t?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Five maybe six more steps.

Hollow – Wow we're making good time.

Rage – Hey! Hey guy! Why is there blood all over the floor?

Hollow – I thought that that was just more of your decorating.

Rage – What? No way blood makes me woozy.

***L33tGamingz456Xxz69 opens a double door painted red with blood. A single light flickers in the damp metallic room. The trail of blood gets thicker and snakes it's way to end splashed across a supply closet on the north wall.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – We're here. Armory sweet armory.

Evanz – Is this all you have?

***Evanz picks up a nearby drawstring bow from a table covered in snowballs.***

Hollow – Yoink.

***Hollow takes the bow out of Evanz's hands.***

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – What more could you need?

Evanz – What about guns? Yeah guns would be nice.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Guns are for punks. Are you a punk Evanz?

Evanz – No, well maybe a little bit.

***Endless uses a paw to hide her laughter.***

Evanz – Shut up Endless.

***Evanz throws a snowball at the Ocelot.***

Rage – Nobody's told me why there's blood on the floor!

Fluke – Don't worry silly goose. It's just a little bit of blood.

Rage – There's no such thing as a little bit of mysterious ground blood!

Fluke – I bet there's more in that closet. Let's check it out.

***Fluke climbs onto Rage's wheelchair after a brief running start.***

Rage – Dammit Will this isn't cool let me go.

***Fluke and Rage narrowly miss Endless, who is making blood angels on the floor.***

Fluke – Come on you grumpy gus. Where's your sense of adventure?

Rage – I left it in my other pants, now please Will stop. This isn't funny.

***Fluke and Rage crash into the north wall. Evanz gives Fluke a thumbs up. Hollow raises a white card with a black number five written on it.***

Fluke – Let's get those prizes.

***Fluke swings open the second blood doors, spilling some into Rage's open mouth. Dafaria and HisseyLeSnake sit in a corner and play Super Nintendo.***

Dafaria – Oh hey guys. What's up? You want next turn?


End file.
